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I want my husband to find someone else

Posted by Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 02 October 2015
Dear Patricia Marie,

This is very hard for me to write. I want my husband to leave me and find someone else.

Charles and I were childhood sweethearts. I was 16 and he was 17. We courted for some time and married on a glorious day back in 1974. We had the most wonderful life together and have never spent one night apart since then. However when I was in my early fifties I suddenly became very clumsy, dropping things and tripping, then I found I kept feeling dizzy, was becoming tired very easily and also starting to have problems with my speech. I went to the doctor and was shocked when I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, which up to then I knew scarcely anything about. My first reaction was that I was not going to give in to it. That I would fight it and everything would be fine. It was just a bad dream. The reality though has been quite different.

Unfortunately over the following years my health deteriorated quite rapidly and now I am 61 and almost entirely bedbound. Lately I have been feeling both angry and tearful, and these emotions appear to be worsening. I don't want my husband to see me constantly crying, as he has been amazing. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about how caring and loving he has been to me. He did not want me to have a carer to help me as he thought I would lose my dignity and feel embarrassed when I was washed and dressed by a stranger. So he has, for the last 3 or 4 years in particular, had to do absolutely everything for me - feed me, wash me, brush my hair, read to me, dress me, even help me into my wheelchair and take me out sometimes into the garden so I can feel the sun on my face and listen to the birds.

I feel so desolately sad for him. Such a wonderful man with such a burdened life cruelly thrust upon him. I want him to have a life for himself while he still can. To find a lovely lady who he can do the normal things with - go out for meals, walk along the beach, go on holidays etc, but he won't entertain the idea when I suggest it. I also don't want him to have to deal with seeing me get any worse, and presumably die before him as I know it would totally break his heart, and I love him so very much.

How can I convince him that this would be the best thing?

Patricia Marie says...

Living with the physical difficulties associated with this crippling disease, Multiple Sclerosis (MS), can take its toll emotionally, causing unstable moods and depression, of which I feel you may be suffering.

To have met and loved so closely for almost your whole lives, yet for you to be so selfless in suggesting your husband leave you for another, due to your perceived burden upon him with your health issues, particularly saddens me.

Your husband seems totally devoted to you in his uncomplaining attitude and readiness to attend to any of your needs. I feel that were you to push him to meet another, this would leave you both heartbroken, as I do believe this is not really what you are wanting, more that you are feeling overwhelmed by the situation you find yourself in. After all, if your current state was reversed, and he suggested the same, how would you react? Often, if we put ourselves in another's situation, it allows us to see things more clearly. Nevertheless, I do understand your concerns for his happiness.

The Multiple Sclerosis Society offer outstanding advice and emotional help, including supportive listening, either on the telephone or in your home, which I feel you would greatly benefit from at this time. Their specialist counsellors could allow you to share your deepest concerns with regards to your deteriorating health, and help encourage you to live in the moment, rather than be fearful of the future. The Society can also organise practical help in your home, which would enable your husband to have time to pursue hobbies or pastimes that he may have found necessary to put aside whilst caring for you. This would certainly make you feel less of a burden and thus bring you some peace of mind.

As you love your husband dearly, let him continue with what he's doing best - caring for you - and waste no more time, but go ahead and utterly enjoy each and every precious moment with this selfless man who loves you unconditionally. You both deserve nothing less.

Multiple Sclerosis Society: 0808 800 8000,

Mum on the Run

Posted by Mum About Town
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on Wednesday, 30 September 2015
I was chatting away on the phone to a client who lives up in Scotland. She was wondering if any of my blogger friends might want to visit her business and learn more about the great Scottish tartan tailoring. And right then and there, I saw my chance to plan a 48-hour escape.

Because the reality is that this mum doesn't really business travel. My work is always within a tube journey of the Smalls and often needs to be completed before the end of school bell sounds.

So a small bag was packed, minutia arrangement made and some train tickets booked before six of us travelled into a land of chequered colour. We visited a mill, learnt how to make a kilt, picnicked by the Tweed, drank good wine and laughed. Really really properly laughed until our tummies hurt.

And as I'm now travelling home and already excited to cuddle those Smalls, I've realised just how much we all need to escape from time to time.

How can I help with the Syrian crisis?

Posted by Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 25 September 2015
Dear Patricia Marie

My husband and I own a few properties and have worked hard to renovate them and rent them out. The money we receive from this has enabled us to retire earlier than planned and we are both very proud of what we have achieved.

However, the recent refugee crisis has made me reevaluate our lifestyle. It affected me so much that I want to offer one of our properties to a Syrian family through the 'Homes for resettled refugees' scheme. I can't stomach the thought of having so many houses when others have had to flee their homes and now have nowhere to live.

My husband cannot relate to this at all. He says that not only will it majorly affect our lives, but that there is also a high probability the people seeking homes are terrorists. I don't share his beliefs at all.
The trouble is that now, not only am I distraught that I can't do anything to help, but I also feel so much anger towards my husband. It's made me see him in a different light. We've been married for thirty years and I've never thought of him as selfish and arrogant until now.

Therefore, I have two questions. How can I stop feeling so guilty about not being able to help with the refugee crisis? And how do I forgive my husband and return to the way things were between us?

Patricia Marie says...

The Syrian crisis is the worst humanitarian disaster of our time and the implications can be overwhelming. Syria's civil war has been raging for 4 years, and a third of all Syrians have now been forced from their homes. Over 7 million people have been displaced inside the country, and a further 4 million refugees have fled abroad. There are many in the UK, such as you, who have been affected by the plight of these migrants, and thousands have already pledged their help.

There are plenty of ways you could turn your concern into practical help which could assist a number of people, rather than donating one of your properties, which in itself would only benefit one family. Have you considered contacting one of the Syrian aid charities, who desperately need volunteers to help with administration, organising local fundraising events, teaching English to Syrian children, sorting and loading people's donations into containers ready to be shipped to Syria, even knitting teddies and blankets.

Also, if you are able, one of the most effective ways to help is to donate money, as every single contribution to a charity involved in helping the refugees will help provide food, water, shelter and support to Syrian families in need. Oxfam and Save the Children are just two of the charities to have set up appeals for donations to help.

You said that you are feeling anger towards your husband for not wanting to help. It is hard when one's partner has a totally opposite point of view on something close to your heart, but we each have our own beliefs and opinions, and unfortunately it is not possible to agree on all subjects. Do bear in mind though that it is often our idiosyncrasies that bind us together!

Perhaps, rather than being uncharitable your husband is feeling unsettled and anxious, like many of us, on the potential impact the Syrian crisis could have on not only the whole country but also us as individuals. Maybe there is some way he could compromise, listen to your wishes and do something, however small, to help the Syrians as it would mean so much to you. Hopefully he will see that even just one small compassionate act will create a sense of togetherness rather than causing this distance between you both.

Save The Children:0207 012 6400,
Oxfam:0300 200 1300,
The Refugee Council:020 7346 1134,

Socialising for the under age

Posted by Mum About Town
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on Monday, 21 September 2015
As London Fashion Week rears its pointed toe, most of us in the digital fashion world will have our cameras and iphones at the ready in every effort to snap, post and share those most likable instagram pictures. But is our world in squares, along with the other social platforms, a suitable place for our Smalls to play? When, where, how and WHY I'm asked repeatedly – perhaps because my day job – should we allow the underage into our mindless playground?

But it's not as easy as that. In fact, it's a debatable topic that none of us are knowledgeable enough to give any proper advice on. Many of us can see the advantage of children understanding how social media works and there is always the argument that – by denying access – you are over hyping it and therefore provoking the naughties to go behind your back... perahps one dark day.

The truth is that a great deal of what's out there being shared by closed communities (those with privacy settings) is harmless and therefore very dull for the Under 13s (the recommended age). But there are of course those ugly bits. From what I hear, children mostly stumble across these on YouTube and mine have been given this strict advice: if it's horrid, turn it off immediately and tell an adult.

For better or for worse, my Mini loves Instagram. She loved scrolling through my feed for more than a year before I conceded (read: fought Him) and allowed her to open her own account. With 20 followers and a passion for taking and editing her photos, it all feels pretty harmless. My logic is that when the rest of her peers are allowed access, she'll behave like a normal social media freak rather than one feeling the need to push boundaries and behave inappropriately. The novelty is here and now.

But, as I said, there's no right or wrong answer to this debate. It's highly personal and with a close eye, privacy settings to keep out the baddies and limited screen time, I think she might just survive.

Moving House Stress

Posted by Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 18 September 2015
Dear Patricia Marie,

We are trying to sell our house and the long drawn out process is infuriating me. The constant attempt to keep our home looking like a show house, whilst also having a very untidy husband and two young unruly children. The final presumption that the house is sold, only to find out a few weeks later that the buyers have changed their mind. The exhaustive forms and questions from the solicitor. The extortionate quotations from removal companies. The hours and hours spent trawling through the property sale sites on the internet hoping to find the perfect house, but within our price bracket.

Yet again a potential buyer has pulled out and I cannot bear the thought of starting the whole process again. We need to relocate as my husband's company is now based some 100 miles away. How can I get through this?

Patricia Marie says...

Research has shown that moving house is one of the most stressful events in life, second only to divorce and bereavement. Understanding this can help us be more accepting of the situation.

It seems you have exhausted yourself worrying about matters beyond your control, and any positive thoughts are being masked by negative ones. During a house move, with the multitude of tasks that need to be completed, it can seem like there is no time to relax. You must allow yourself some time out to think without pressure. Do something that makes you feel good – a pamper day, a yoga session, a walk in the country, or even just a long relaxing soak in the bath. Also, talk to your children, as they may well feel unsettled by the thought of moving, and seem to have picked up on your anxieties, hence their rebellious behaviour. Having time out and some distraction from the move will make you feel calmer and more in control, and hopefully rewarded with better behaved children.

I wonder if you could then seek some outside help with the move? Pass more responsibility on to your estate agents, who could provide accompanied viewings of your home whilst you are out, arriving early to present it at its best. They may also offer a service to help you source your next property. A professional removal company should be able to provide a packing service, which will save you both time and energy in the lead up to the big day, and decluttering services could assist in minimising the amount of items to be packed. You will find all this practical help will prove far more effective than your current unachievable deadlines. The inherent cost will be worth every penny if it eases the pressure.

Not only do you have the stress of selling your home, but you also have the anxiety of moving far away. Temporarily renting could be the answer, and may make the transition less overwhelming, as you can get to know the new area without feeling so pressurised. Would your husband's employers set you both up in a rented property for a while, which would also give you some breathing space? If not, can you stretch your budget to allow for this?

I do understand that you feel the whole legal process has to be started all over again, but much of the work carried out so far by your solicitor will not need to be repeated.

As difficult as it may seem at the moment, try to remain positive during this unsettling time, make those requests for assistance, and the chances are you will soon be on your way. The help and support you are clearly needing may be just a few phone calls away.

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