CAT on MATT: 8 June

So, a very important warning. There are dogs in this issue. Rather a lot of them. In fact, I don't know what The Man's thinking – come to think of it, nor, probably, does he.

I can only assume that including a piece on Doggie Massage (I mean, really) is just his latest attempt to upset me? I'd certainly recommend that anyone of a sensitive, feline disposition skips pages 26 and 27.

The other dogrelated article (pages 24 and 25) at least asks a question: Cat Or Dog... Who's The Furrest (apparently, it's a joke) Of Them All? As questions go, however, it is a rather silly one. Comparing the svelte, sculpted and considered lines of Felis catus (that's Latin by the way) with the dopey mug of a pooch is like comparing an antique Louis XVI chair with a secondhand beanbag. Yes, I'm sure someone loves the bulldog on page 25, but shouldn't he have more body and less skin?

Each to their own. I'm just saying that cats are better. And you can prove it mathematically. If you assign each letter a number, where A = 1 and Z = 26, and then add the constituent values of the letters in the words 'cat' and 'dog' together, before subtracting the result from 1,000, you will be left with a higher number for 'cat' (976) than you will for 'dog' (974).

So there. I rest my case.

Miaow for now.