The Diary of Miss Darcy Bustle: 16 March


Duffle has been a terrible sulk all weekend because I ate his secret stash of Bonio biscuits. He always likes to hide a couple in the smelly old blanket he calls home in the hallway basket. When I was younger, he would let me sleep in there, but these days he’s a bit more grumpy. He also spotted me sniffing round his secret stash one day so now he patrols it. But on Saturday, he got taken out for a walk and I didn’t – with some friends who think my legs are too little. So instead, I was left home alone for a couple of hours, long enough for me to clear out his entire store cupboard. I may have little legs, but right now I have a very big belly.


Can there ever be such a thing as the perfect pet? A reader has written to ask if I have any advice on what kind of companion she could get. She hates mess, doesn’t want to go for walks, isn’t keen on fur and doesn’t want a companion that makes any kind of noise. And before I suggest it, she doesn’t want a goldfish either. I am really quite stumped so if any other readers have thoughts, please let me know. At this stage, all I can think of is a stuffed cushion.


It’s Crufts week, although as a young puppy I was told that I would never make the grade. I know. Harsh. I do have a pedigree, but that matters little when you also have a tufty ridge of hair on the nape of your neck that gives me a bit of a mohican when its damp. Still, what do I care? Well, I do care a bit. And, as no dachshund has ever been named Best in Show, they might want to consider broadening the entrance criteria to include career girls with wonky hair-dos, like me!


According to a new study by the University of York, using ‘special dog-speak’ is important in building connections between humans and canines. Well, I could have told them that. For instance, if someone talks to me in a high-pitched voice and says, ‘You’re a pretty girl’ and ‘Would you like to have your tummy rubbed?’ I am more likely to pay attention to them than if they just sit down and start telling me about their night out – without me. Perhaps, I should become a research academic? How hard can it be?


The latest trend for dachshunds is to ride around their homes on robot vacuum cleaners. OMG, as the young people say! Why don’t I have one ? Apparently, there is a dog in Surrey called Bruno, who can virtually do wheelies on his machine. What joy! So, as it’s my birthday next week, and because I know the editor reads my diary, can I have one please? I promise to be really good for at least a whole day.

See you next week 

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