The Diary of Miss Darcy Bustle: 16 March

Monday

Duffle has been a terrible sulk all weekend because I ate his secret stash of Bonio biscuits. He always likes to hide a couple in the smelly old blanket he calls home in the hallway basket. When I was younger, he would let me sleep in there, but these days he’s a bit more grumpy. He also spotted me sniffing round his secret stash one day so now he patrols it. But on Saturday, he got taken out for a walk and I didn’t – with some friends who think my legs are too little. So instead, I was left home alone for a couple of hours, long enough for me to clear out his entire store cupboard. I may have little legs, but right now I have a very big belly.

Tuesday

Can there ever be such a thing as the perfect pet? A reader has written to ask if I have any advice on what kind of companion she could get. She hates mess, doesn’t want to go for walks, isn’t keen on fur and doesn’t want a companion that makes any kind of noise. And before I suggest it, she doesn’t want a goldfish either. I am really quite stumped so if any other readers have thoughts, please let me know. At this stage, all I can think of is a stuffed cushion.

Wednesday

It’s Crufts week, although as a young puppy I was told that I would never make the grade. I know. Harsh. I do have a pedigree, but that matters little when you also have a tufty ridge of hair on the nape of your neck that gives me a bit of a mohican when its damp. Still, what do I care? Well, I do care a bit. And, as no dachshund has ever been named Best in Show, they might want to consider broadening the entrance criteria to include career girls with wonky hair-dos, like me!

Thursday

According to a new study by the University of York, using ‘special dog-speak’ is important in building connections between humans and canines. Well, I could have told them that. For instance, if someone talks to me in a high-pitched voice and says, ‘You’re a pretty girl’ and ‘Would you like to have your tummy rubbed?’ I am more likely to pay attention to them than if they just sit down and start telling me about their night out – without me. Perhaps, I should become a research academic? How hard can it be?

Friday

The latest trend for dachshunds is to ride around their homes on robot vacuum cleaners. OMG, as the young people say! Why don’t I have one ? Apparently, there is a dog in Surrey called Bruno, who can virtually do wheelies on his machine. What joy! So, as it’s my birthday next week, and because I know the editor reads my diary, can I have one please? I promise to be really good for at least a whole day.

See you next week 

Instagram @missdarcybustle

https://lady.co.uk/sites/default/files/styles/facebook_teaser/public/featured-images/img_0556original.jpg?itok=Z8hCPzhc&c=7b099e0f61a75a5053b3b7036a21ecb8