The Diary of Miss Darcy Bustle 20th October


Over the weekend I was busy opening post from doggies who have read my diary and are keen to fill the empty space in my life for a boyfriend. I don’t expect a lot, perhaps a few tours round the park, the chance to share a bone, or a fake bone, and someone with their own teeth and hair, although I’m not fussy. So far, I have had several answers, which is exciting, and thought I would share their letters here to see what everybody else thinks. 


I rather like the sound of this cheeky chappie...
My name is Colefax N Fowler, and I am also looking for love after my girlfriend, a cocker spaniel named Pippi, decided she would rather play with her new sister Shadow. She used to paw at her door and whimper to be let out when I 

stood on her stoop. Now she barks at me to go away! I am an 18-month-old cavalier, and I am told I am very cute. Do you think I’m cute? I think you are! I like your long, silky ears and, best of all, the twinkle in your eye! My person says everybody on dating sites always tells the whole truth, and that I’d better confess my flaws so you can decide if we’d be a good match. Here they are: ever since my sister lost her teeth, I jump on her whenever I’m excited. She can’t snap at me any more, being toothless. Pretty clever of me, no? I am also a bed-wetter. Whenever I see a bed I like, I pee on it. Indoors, outdoors, human’s or dog’s, it doesn’t matter. I have thereby accumulated the canine equivalent of a real estate portfolio, and I would gladly share it with you, providing you aren’t overly fastidious. That’s it – everything else about me is delightful. So, you see, I am the perfect mixture of gentleman and scoundrel that all the ladies want. Except Pippi of course. Colefax N Fowler 


Not sure about this one... My name is Pepe Grace and, like you, I am also a miniature dachshund. After I read that you were told you were smelly, I wanted to write to say that I have the answer – my very own K9 shampoo. I designed it  myself with natural lavender ingredients, which is a really lovely smell on a girl – just ask any perfume specialist. Perhaps after you have used it we might be able to go on a date? Pepe Grace 


And I think this one is very cheeky...
I am a French bulldog called Napoleon with small legs, and you said in your column that you have small legs too, which is a bit of luck. I don’t really have a lot of money so would prefer it if you could invite me for dinner at your house. My favourite meal is raw steak minced up – or steak tartare as we call it in France. Napoleon Boney

See you next week xxx