The Diary of Miss Darcy Bustle: 25 May

Monday

A book arrived at the office today called The Dog in Photography and I have been pawing through it. There aren’t any pictures of me but still, it’s stunning. In fact, there aren’t that many miniature dachshunds in the book at all, but there is a very podgy one called Boz lying at Queen Victoria’s feet. His little belly was so big he probably couldn’t do much else. Still, she was a big doggie lover and did say that no civilisation was complete without ‘the dumb and defenceless of God’s creatures’. I think she meant it in a nice way

Tuesday

There are very few reasons for wanting to go to the vet, but Alfie, a labradoodle from Kelsall in Cheshire, has found one: needles. Eeek, I thought, when I read that he was having 40 of them stuck in his spine every week, but apparently, Alfie is now a changed dog. Poor thing had hip dysplasia and couldn’t run around or have fun, which was making him very depressed. But since his human friend Sue Thomas decided to try acupuncture, he is as sprightly as a little pup.

Wednesday

Occasionally, I bump into other doggies on the beach that look more glamorous than me. I know, difficult to believe, but it does happen. This weekend in Hastings, for instance, I met a poodle called Ruby who had such a saucy, haughty air that I was almost thrown. How could anyone else be such a voguer? Poodles are a bit like that – so calm and poised. I’m trying to be poised but it all goes wrong as soon as I spot someone with a bag of chips. Ruby has lots of admirers, her human friend Mandy told us, but she says she hasn’t chosen one yet. oh dear, I need help...

 

Thursday

In terms of getting a boyfriend, I have one fundamental drawback: I am, how can I put it, challenged in the leg department. I don’t have long willowy legs. I don’t even have legs, really; I have what I sort of think of as ‘leglets’ – little feet that sort of come out from my undercarriage. If I run, then all four leglets lift off together. True, I do still have Harvey the corgi after me, and Parker, in Cornwall, but both of them are also a bit short in the leg department. What I want is the George Clooney of dogs, someone rangy and well built who is tall enough so that when it rains I can stand underneath them like a canopy and keep dry. Basically, I need a multipurpose boyfriend.

Friday

We have had a tragedy at the office – someone broke the milk jug. Last week someone broke the top off the teapot. I think it’s possible that we have a ghost who doesn’t like tea – or who is trying to get me into trouble. But it wasn’t me. Honest…

See you next week 

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