The Diary of Miss Darcy Bustle: 28 April

The Lady's office dog tells all
Kath has returned from a golfing holiday to Ireland and is being really rather bouncy. She says I should take up golf, that you are never too young (or short) to start. To encourage me, she has offered to introduce me to Pippa and Gus, two miniature dachshunds who live with Angela, the Lady Captain at Kath’s golf club. They even have their own miniature golf bag. Who knew?!

Try as I might, I don’t seem to be able to get over a raging case of jealousy (or ‘jelly belly’ as the editor calls it), every time I see a picture of Barnaby, a so-called superstar Border terrier whose owner has invented doggy cordon bleu. His favourite treat is pork belly oatcakes with sardines, and banana bites for pudding, but he is constantly called upon to give his expert opinion on new dishes all the time, apparently. Purleese.

 -gus--pippaGus and Pippa

Lulu Guinness has been inviting another cat into the house to play. He’s called Freddy and he is supposed to live two doors away but now seems to live with us. They both tear around the house making lots of noise late at night and wake everyone up. I think he is her boyfriend, which is amazing given she is quite a plump, moany old thing. It’s driving the editor mad and she hasn’t even been bitten on the bottom by him yet. This week, a new column starts in The Lady called Man vs Cat, about the relationship between a cat called Artie, and Paul, the downtrodden man he lives with. It’s supposed to be about how they are cohabiting equally, but take a tip from me, Paul. Move out now.

I had to go to the vet to sort out my pet passport – since I went to the Isles of Scilly, I have become keen on doing more travel. Duffle came along, too – both of us were very excited, and I had a nice picture taken of me in one of my best jumpers. Dale, our vet, already had the treat jar out when I went in, which should have made me suspicious. ‘This won’t hurt a bit,’ he said, as he plunged the anti-rabies vaccine into my little neck. I cried a bit but the editor said it can’t have hurt as much as the bill.

This weekend I am being taken for a ride along the coastal path to Bexhill-on- Sea in a specially designed basket that sits on the back wheel of a bicycle. It seemed like a good idea at the time – a breath of fresh air, they said, and a bracing tour along the south coast. I won’t have a crash helmet and the person doing the driving has only just removed their stabilisers. Wish me luck!

See you next week! Instagram @missdarcybustle