The Diary of Miss Darcy Bustle: 3 March

The Lady's new office dog tells all
Last week we had a cat on the cover called Felix and I’m still reeling. She works at Huddersfield railway station. But really, what work can cats actually do? Are they even bright enough to work? Felix doesn’t seem very clever; she doesn’t even seem to know that she’s got a boy’s name. Apparently, she has over 100,000 Facebook followers and has written a book, which is why the editor sent Melonie to interview her. She also has a jaunty hat and her own hi-vis jacket so that the passengers can tell that she is important. I’m looking out for one in my size.

Last night I met Miss Great Britain. She is staying with my godfather, Dazzling Darren, but he had forgotten that he had a beauty queen coming. As you do. But she didn’t seem too sad, she came in and I gave her some hugs while she waited for him. She gave me tips on putting my best side forward. Her name is Ursula and she has a sash that tells people that she is Miss Great Britain. She says that she will try and get me a sash that says Miss Little Britain. I can’t wait!
FullSizeRender1Wheres my sash?

This morning as I was dashing for the bus, I bumped into Andy, the local Unitarian vicar, and his dog, Rumi – he is named after a Persian poet who was born 800 years ago and who got rediscovered by hippies, so he is now the most popular poet in the US. I don’t think Rumi the dog is going to have the same success. He’s quite grumpy and already weighs over 35 kilos even though he is only a year old. I could barely reach his ankle when I jumped up to say hello and then he just snapped at me. The editor wondered if andy had considered putting him on a diet. ‘We are just going with his natural instincts. he’ll find his inner peace,’ said Andy. Lucky Rumi.

My friend Duffle got a tick from a trip to the countryside. Ticks are not nice and they have to be pulled out as they can cause nasty diseases. Dale, our vet, has a special set of tweezers called the O’Tom Tick Twister, which literally pulled the tick’s mouth out of Duffle’s back leg. Ticks don’t have heads – they don’t need one. They just bury themselves in your skin and then cement themselves in. Some people set fire to the tail end of the tick, but Dale says this is a mistake. It doesn’t work and you can also set fire to the doggie. Eeek.

I got soaking wet today and my lovely new jumper knitted by Kath got so soggy I am worried that it will never recover its body- hugging shape. People think that dogs don’t care about fashion, but they are wrong. I certainly care about fashion. Kath says not to worry, she has found just the thing – a see-through mac, so I can keep dry but my outfit underneath is still visible. Not that I am a show-off or anything.

See you next week! Instagram @missdarcybustle