The Diary of Miss Darcy Bustle: 5 May

The Lady's office dog tells all
Monday
This morning, I was in terrible trouble because I was caught eating Lulu Guinness’s breakfast. Again. I know that it’s wrong but her food is so much tastier than mine and her portions are huge. She is huge too, so there might be a connection between those two things. Anyway, this is my last chance the editor says – if I steal any more food I am to be given up for adoption. I think she may be joking, but you never know with menopausal middle-aged women driven mad by cats howling for missing food.

Tuesday
It is the Royal Windsor Horse Show soon, but I won’t be going. In fact, no doggies will be going, not even the regal corgis with their special ‘access all areas’ passes. This treat was ruined by a greedy lurcher in 1943, who foolishly stole a piece of chicken from King V’s plate. The crazy dog kept his head but the committee instigated a lifetime ‘no dogs’ ban. Greed gets us all into trouble. One of the ladies told me that her friend was caught defrosting a Sara Lee chocolate cake with a hairdryer. Personally, I would have eaten it frozen – except dogs are never allowed chocolate, sadly.

IMG 6668Talc disaster

Wednesday
I had a bath last night and some silly billy decided it would be a good idea to put talcum powder all over me. Oh okay, it was my fault. I knocked it over as I was running around the room trying to get dry. I don’t know why humans don’t do that. Who needs towels? I did end up looking quite mad, but it did give me an idea of what I might look like when I am old. There is a new app for phones apparently that can change your look, or even your gender. Even though I am a junior newshound, I am not allowed a mobile phone of my own and have to rely on others to search my Instagram account for me. I am hoping that some clever clogs will soon invent an app for doggies that allows us to be more in charge of our own lives. After all, we are in charge, aren’t we?

Thursday
Today, I met a really lovely new friend, Elvis, a standard poodle. He was named after the famous singer, of course, who adored poodles. Poodles are big with famous men, my new friend told me. Churchill had poodles, as did livingstone the explorer. I think Elvis might be a bit of a show off.

Friday
Tlast weekend, I was supposed to go bike riding along the East Sussex coastal path down to Bexhill-on-Sea, travelling in a specially adapted ‘dog’ basket on the back of the editor’s bike, but mercifully, it was too overcast. I don’t think she can really ride a bike. Bill Clinton apparently couldn’t ride a bike without stabilsers until he was 22 – personally, I think the safest option might be a lady tricycle. With police escort.

See you next week! Instagram @missdarcybustle