HOW TO QUEUE… and other modern minefields

One of Britain’s best-loved and most inimitable broadcasters offers her advice on navigating those everyday dilemmas
No race on earth seems to queue quite like the British. There seems to be an ingrained mechanism of patience for this form of waiting. George Mikes, in his 1946 publication How To Be An Alien, called it ‘the national passion of an otherwise dispassionate race’. 

The next time you have to queue, and it’s bound to come up (usually in the rain) consider its knightly origins. The word is fifteenth century and is not British at all but French for ‘a tail’ or, more impressively, the heraldic term ‘tail of a beast’. This seems appropriate, as the first queue I can think of in history is when Noah managed to persuade all those animals to line up for a cruise.

Some people see the ability to queue as a mark of British good manners, but the fact is, hard as it may be to believe, other nations also queue. The Danes have a very rigorous system of numbered tickets in every chemist to ensure that both the fit and the poorly are treated with equanimity.

Queuing is tedious but it’s an equal opportunity employer. It’s tedious for everyone. No one likes to queue. There is no one that I have ever met who regards queuing as a joyful occupation. It is basically a test to see how long you can stand in one place without beginning to either dribble or speak to yourself. There is nothing tempting about the ‘dole queue’. Winston Churchill even invented the word ‘Queuetopia’ to warn Britain that under the Opposition they might be transformed into a socialist country in which people were required to queue for everything.

Self-service counters were invented in supermarkets to make people feel as though they were not queuing. In fact, by the time you have called six times for assistance at a self-service till, it has taken longer than waiting in line for someone to take the money from you. All queuing etiquette springs from a universal loathing of standing behind someone else. The electronic signs which call people forward in petrol stations and post offices were designed to make everyone feel that the system was ‘fair’ and that no one was queuing longer than anyone else.

SandiT-Queue-00-Quote-590

Queuing: the basic rules
  1. Jumping ahead in a queue: You will upset someone. Guaranteed.
  2. If you need to leave a queue: You do have to ask someone to keep your place for you.
  3. If someone pushes in to a queue: You can politely point out that there are people ahead of them. If you are in a queue of English people you are unlikely to need to do this as someone else will have already made their displeasure clear. 
  4. Joining a friend in a queue: This is allowable but it is still best to ask the person directly behind them if they mind. Having several friends join you is never going to be popular.
  5. Try and resist the temptation to chat: Most people are too grumpy in a queue to want to make friends.
  6. Watch your space: There is no need to breathe all over the person in front. They would be quicker if it were possible. Give them room to be grumpy.
  7. Keep the children corralled: Again, let’s not add to the tension by allowing the children to run amok.
  8. Be patient: It’s a queue.

 

How to shake hands
There was a time when only men shook hands and they did it to show they didn’t intend to kill the person being greeted. Proffering your empty hand proves you are not carrying a sword or dagger with which to do anyone any harm. These leftovers of knightly behaviour used also to be echoed in men tipping or lifting their hats in greeting, as a knight in armour might have lifted his visor to reveal his face. Shaking hands is still polite, although on the whole it seems to remain a predominantly male to male activity. In business, women do now offer their hands to be shaken. It is nice to offer a firm handshake. There is nothing worse than a grip like wet lettuce, but it is equally hideous to crush someone’s fingers with your enthusiasm.

 

How to open doors
This one has caused a slight stir in the past. I don’t know who invented the door. We still say ‘open up’ in relation to doors, presumably because somewhere in our historic DNA we recall pushing up the flap of a tent. I suspect the person we should really thank is the one who invented the door knob. Traditionally it used to be men who opened doors for women. This may have arisen from the heavy floor-length garments that women wore in medieval times, although I can’t imagine it was easy clanking through in armour either. These days, I think opening a door for someone else is non-gender specific. The fact is, being polite never hurt anyone. You can both be solicitous about each other’s comfort. It’s about reading the moment and responding with sensitivity. Sometimes the dynamic is very clear and at other times you need to get to know each other better. If you are going through a public door, check to see if there is anyone behind you who you might help. An older person or someone with a buggy may be glad of the help.

How to blow your nose
I don’t need to say it, right? Don’t pick your nose, don’t blow it on your sleeve… For some reason putting your tongue to the roof of your mouth helps ward off sneezing, temporarily at least.

Peas & Queues: The Minefield Of Modern Manners, by Sandi Toksvig, is published by Profile Books, priced £8.99.