I don't want to be alive anymore

Agony Aunt's picture

Dear Patricia Marie, 

I don't know how to deal with my emotions.  I am a 55 year old woman, and have been with my partner for 3 years now.  My son has left home, so I live on my own, seeing my partner at weekends.  I am very active, and have a full time job, but just keep feeling deep bouts of hopelessness and considering suicide.  Sometimes I just think everyone will be better off without me.  It seems everything I do I get wrong. Friends are never there for me, and just keep their distance if they see I am down.  They only want me around when I am happy or can do something for them.  My partner gets very irritated if I get upset, and if I try to explain my feelings he tells me I am just going on about it, and to leave it.  I want to give up, close myself off, curl up in a ball and sleep forever so it doesn't hurt any more.  

Patricia Marie says...

Feeling suicidal can be overwhelming for the sufferer as they believe no matter what they do, or how hard they try, nothing will make them better. The majority of people who contemplate taking their own lives do not actually want to die, but want to be free of the emotional pain, and live a different life to the one they have. You are not pathetic for feeling as you do - you are depressed.  Stop blaming yourself right now. Depression is an illness, and, like any debilitating condition, needs treatment.  

Family and friends don’t always understand the severity of depression, unless they have themselves experienced it, and can’t always offer what you need - so, it’s helpful to seek out people who can. Getting professional help is vital. I truly believe you would benefit from group counselling. I frequently suggest this form of therapy, as many people feel much better understood when they meet others in similar situations to their own. If you contact MIND, they could organise this, as well as providing ongoing support and advice for you during this difficult time. However, firstly and most importantly, I would like you to contact your GP, who would be able to put in place an imminent treatment plan, that may include a small amount of medication which really could make a huge difference to the way you are feeling. Also, if ever you do feel desperate, day or night, please pick up the phone and contact The Samaritans. They can offer great comfort and empathy at times of distress and hopelessness.  

Once you receive the help you deserve, you will hopefully feel strong enough to start focusing your energy on you, not on others. Sometimes others can drown out our own thoughts, and it may be that your relationships need re-evaluating for you to eliminate any negativity around you.  For now, your own wellbeing is priority. To lift your mood, you must allow yourself ‘me’ time - go for some nice walks, breathe in the fresh air, look at the beauty around you, eat well, meditate, and ensure you get plenty of sleep. It is so much easier to face the world when you aren’t tired – emotionally or physically.  

We are all totally unique, and as such until your last breath your contribution to this world is essential. Death has little to offer when you compare it to the countless possibilities of life. You will hopefully soon see that yours is very much worth living, and that the darkness you are experiencing now will soon be replaced by much brightness.  

MIND 0300 123 3393 www.mind.org.uk
Samaritans 116 123 www.samaritans.org/.uk


Patricia Marie, our Agony Aunt, wants to hear your problems, dilemmas, and quarrels. Just email them to patricia.marie@lady.co.uk