I'm having doubts about going through with my wedding

Agony Aunt's picture

Dear Patricia Marie,

I am feeling really scared and don't know what to do. I am 30 and due to be married in December and having doubts about going through with the ceremony.
I have been with my fiancé for five years and although I care for him, I don't think I'm in love with him, but at the same time, I cannot break his heart which I shall do if I call it off. The wedding is costing a fortune of which my parents have helped contribute to, and we will be set to lose the lot if I were to cancel at such short notice. I can't sleep, am feeling miserable and very panicky. I haven't told anyone about how I am feeling as everyone is looking so forward to the celebrations. I have recently met a man at work who I have become very close to, who wants to take me out and makes me feel like an excited teenager, unlike my fiancé who I feel we have now become more like sister and brother. Please help me, I don't know what to do.

Patricia Marie says...

If you find yourself having doubts before your wedding, it doesn't necessarily mean that you mustn't get married, but you should pay attention to such thoughts, and talk to your fiancé. It's quite likely that he would have picked up on your emotions already, and opening up to him may help to re-bond the relationship.  Understandably, many women approaching their wedding day have concerns as to whether they are making the right choice.  After all, it's one of the biggest decisions of our lives. You say you are not wanting to break your fiancé's heart by calling off the wedding, but marrying under false pretenses would be far worse, and unfair on him.

Nevertheless, don't risk losing a good man just because a more interesting one has now appeared on the scene. The man you have met at work is fresh and exciting, as is any new flirtatious liaison. If you were to contemplate your first meeting with your fiancé, I feel sure he would have made you feel the same way. It takes far more than love to have a successful marriage - it's about mutual admiration and respect, including supporting and caring for each other, and most importantly being friends, as without friendship love can easily fade. 

You need to ask yourself, how it would feel to be without this man you have been with for five years, as sometimes we can't see what we have until it's gone.  Has the intimacy wained because of the pressures of the wedding planning? If so, this can be worked at by remembering the good times you have shared, reintroducing special time together and planning some date nights. 

Finally, do not embark on the biggest commitment of your life just to save wasting the huge cost so far expended on the wedding. You owe it to your parents, and your fiancé to be honest, and however shocked or upset they seem, once you share your fears with them, hopefully things will appear much clearer. It wont be easy, but I urge you to explore your choices very carefully, before making a life-changing decision. 

Patricia Marie, our Agony Aunt, wants to hear your problems, dilemmas, and quarrels. Just email them to patricia.marie@lady.co.uk