The Lady Guide to Modern Manners: 14 June
Dear Thomas,
A friend volunteered to get a rare plant for me from a specialist nursery she happened to be going to. I didn’t want to look pushy so waited for a few days after her visit before phoning. But when I did, she said, ‘Oh, you’re too late. I didn’t hear anything from you. I’ve given it away to someone else.’ I was rather put out.
Farah Bannerman, Esher
Dear Farah,
‘There’s no such thing as a free lunch,’ would be some people’s response – which I fi nd depressing. But all too often the offer of a favour of some kind leads to trouble: ‘I’ll introduce you to this gorgeous person I know’; ‘I’ll write you a letter of recommendation’; ‘I can get tickets for that show that’s completely sold out’; ‘I’ve got contacts in the trade – I can get you a huge discount on that fabric you want.’
Then nothing…
In this case, Farah, it sounds as if your friend is playing a complicated game of tit for tat. She put herself out for you, and your punishment is to be put in the wrong. Not very nice. Or else, she just forgot to buy the plant or found that the nursery didn’t have it after all.
Some people are too lavish with their favours and fi nd that they don’t have the time or the means to follow through. Others are more interested in promoting themselves as persons with special access to sports clubs, tennis tournaments, etc. Actually helping isn’t the point. Some are just bossy and interfering.
People should not offer to do favours unless they really mean it. Clear communication is vital. Say, ‘I’ll try to get you a discount on your wedding fl owers. If you don’t hear from me by the end of the week, then it’s no good.’
If offered a favour, don’t be afraid to say, ‘Thank you very much. I’ll wait until Thursday, shall I? And if I haven’t heard from you by then…’
It’s wrong to string the person along if it turns out you can’t do the favour. Even if the favour’s been asked of you rather than you volunteering to do it, once you’ve accepted, the obligation is yours. It’s not right to think, ‘I’m only doing them a favour, I don’t owe them anything.’ As I say, to avoid misunderstanding, be clear exactly what you’re undertaking to do and when. If you really can’t do it after all, then say so at once, with apologies. Don’t be ruled by embarrassment.
If you’re granted a favour, don’t be afraid to gently remind if you’ve heard nothing. If the person gets cross, it’s too bad – they should never have committed to doing the favour in the fi rst place. Of course, the belligerence of one demanding service is not appropriate. Be careful how you express yourself.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
As often with those worried about clothes, the young man claims to have no fashion sense. Of course, it is a great help to acquire a fashion sense, because then your scope is much greater. I told him that smart casual, in the case of men, means no jeans, no trainers and a jacket of some kind. A suit without a tie also counts.
For women, the category is less easy to pin down – not office wear, not full evening, also no jeans or trainers. Jackets are not essential but possible. The Queen Mother once attended a 6pm function in a ‘filmy semi-evening dress’. Was this smart casual?
But with fashion sense, you can do anything you choose. Seen at Glyndebourne (which is meant to be black tie) on Saturday – a man in grey jodhpurs, cowboy-type boots, white shirt, red bow tie… and a sulphur-yellow jacket – superb.
A friend volunteered to get a rare plant for me from a specialist nursery she happened to be going to. I didn’t want to look pushy so waited for a few days after her visit before phoning. But when I did, she said, ‘Oh, you’re too late. I didn’t hear anything from you. I’ve given it away to someone else.’ I was rather put out.
Farah Bannerman, Esher
Dear Farah,
‘There’s no such thing as a free lunch,’ would be some people’s response – which I fi nd depressing. But all too often the offer of a favour of some kind leads to trouble: ‘I’ll introduce you to this gorgeous person I know’; ‘I’ll write you a letter of recommendation’; ‘I can get tickets for that show that’s completely sold out’; ‘I’ve got contacts in the trade – I can get you a huge discount on that fabric you want.’
Then nothing…
In this case, Farah, it sounds as if your friend is playing a complicated game of tit for tat. She put herself out for you, and your punishment is to be put in the wrong. Not very nice. Or else, she just forgot to buy the plant or found that the nursery didn’t have it after all.
Some people are too lavish with their favours and fi nd that they don’t have the time or the means to follow through. Others are more interested in promoting themselves as persons with special access to sports clubs, tennis tournaments, etc. Actually helping isn’t the point. Some are just bossy and interfering.
People should not offer to do favours unless they really mean it. Clear communication is vital. Say, ‘I’ll try to get you a discount on your wedding fl owers. If you don’t hear from me by the end of the week, then it’s no good.’
If offered a favour, don’t be afraid to say, ‘Thank you very much. I’ll wait until Thursday, shall I? And if I haven’t heard from you by then…’
It’s wrong to string the person along if it turns out you can’t do the favour. Even if the favour’s been asked of you rather than you volunteering to do it, once you’ve accepted, the obligation is yours. It’s not right to think, ‘I’m only doing them a favour, I don’t owe them anything.’ As I say, to avoid misunderstanding, be clear exactly what you’re undertaking to do and when. If you really can’t do it after all, then say so at once, with apologies. Don’t be ruled by embarrassment.
If you’re granted a favour, don’t be afraid to gently remind if you’ve heard nothing. If the person gets cross, it’s too bad – they should never have committed to doing the favour in the fi rst place. Of course, the belligerence of one demanding service is not appropriate. Be careful how you express yourself.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
HOW TO DRESS… smart casual
I have an enquiry from a 16-year-old male reader (Yes! Note the glorious breadth of the readership of The Lady), bemused by the dress code for the evening gala at Buckingham Palace, which he will attend: the invitation says ‘smart casual’.As often with those worried about clothes, the young man claims to have no fashion sense. Of course, it is a great help to acquire a fashion sense, because then your scope is much greater. I told him that smart casual, in the case of men, means no jeans, no trainers and a jacket of some kind. A suit without a tie also counts.
For women, the category is less easy to pin down – not office wear, not full evening, also no jeans or trainers. Jackets are not essential but possible. The Queen Mother once attended a 6pm function in a ‘filmy semi-evening dress’. Was this smart casual?
But with fashion sense, you can do anything you choose. Seen at Glyndebourne (which is meant to be black tie) on Saturday – a man in grey jodhpurs, cowboy-type boots, white shirt, red bow tie… and a sulphur-yellow jacket – superb.