The Lady Guide to Modern Manners: 21 June
Dear Thomas,
My husband and I went to Glyndebourne with another couple as a special treat. You can imagine what it cost. But when we got there our friends ran into some people they knew and asked them to join us for the entire picnic interval. My husband thinks I’m making a fuss about nothing but I didn’t like it. What’s more, they’d only brought sandwiches and ended up devouring most of our food.
Siobhan Jersey, Northwood
Dear Siobhan,
Glyndebourne! My goodness, how posh. But I see your point. Perhaps at less elevated summer occasions – the village fete, for example, or a garden open day – the risk is increased that nonmutual acquaintances will be asked to tag along, causing frustration to others in the preexisting group.
Is it best to stay indoors? Then you avoid not just humans roving at large, but stinging nettles, unexpected patches of mud, maybe even a dead rabbit. Who said that nature is all fluffy lambs skipping through verdant pasture? (In fact, lambs aren’t fluffy. They’re wiry and oily and they bite.) But I digress. As you know, given the choice between the narrow band of correct behaviour and a fecund embracing of all life’s possibilities, I’d always choose the rich embrace (or so I like to think).
As such, I can see your husband’s point of view. Why not be generous and lap up new people – even if they do lap up all your vital provisions? Unless the couple you went to Glyndebourne with in the first place actively ignored you, lavishing all their attention on their unexpectedly come-upon friends, they weren’t really being rude.
On the other hand, a special occasion had been planned with that particular couple rather than a random melange. I imagine the new people were thrust upon you without consultation. What’s more, new people are an effort, especially when they appear from nowhere.
And so, on balance, I come down on your side. You’d signed up to do one thing and found yourself doing something else.
Even if pressed by your friends, the unknown (to you) pair should have accepted no more than a drink (if glasses could be found) or a tiny nibble, before shoving off to fend for themselves. Were they guilty of lack of tact?
If the group is very large, already containing people not familiar with each other and the occasion not a special one, it might be in order to invite extras met by chance who are unknown to others in the gang. But if it’s someone’s birthday, a work outing, if the party has some particular purpose, then no, it will skew the bouquet of people that has been carefully assembled.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
I welcome moves against the former. Dangerous, infuriating and ubiquitous, I’ve long wondered why nothing is done. No matter how fast you’re going (of course, never exceeding the speed limit) there’s always some moron pushing up behind. It’s the competitive spirit gone bad.
But middle-lane hogging I can’t disapprove of. The idea that the two outside lanes are reserved for overtaking exists only in the minds of traffic theorists and the authors of the Highway Code. In reality, the ‘slow’ lane is for lorries and caravans, the middle lane for vehicles travelling at 70mph and the fast lane for those exceeding the speed limit. I feel sorry for the socalled hoggers of the middle lane, who only wish to proceed steadily and avoid switching back and forth from the slow lane as they encounter yet another crawling lorry. In effect, they are overtaking continuously for the length of their journey. Leave them alone.
My husband and I went to Glyndebourne with another couple as a special treat. You can imagine what it cost. But when we got there our friends ran into some people they knew and asked them to join us for the entire picnic interval. My husband thinks I’m making a fuss about nothing but I didn’t like it. What’s more, they’d only brought sandwiches and ended up devouring most of our food.
Siobhan Jersey, Northwood
Dear Siobhan,
Glyndebourne! My goodness, how posh. But I see your point. Perhaps at less elevated summer occasions – the village fete, for example, or a garden open day – the risk is increased that nonmutual acquaintances will be asked to tag along, causing frustration to others in the preexisting group.
Is it best to stay indoors? Then you avoid not just humans roving at large, but stinging nettles, unexpected patches of mud, maybe even a dead rabbit. Who said that nature is all fluffy lambs skipping through verdant pasture? (In fact, lambs aren’t fluffy. They’re wiry and oily and they bite.) But I digress. As you know, given the choice between the narrow band of correct behaviour and a fecund embracing of all life’s possibilities, I’d always choose the rich embrace (or so I like to think).
As such, I can see your husband’s point of view. Why not be generous and lap up new people – even if they do lap up all your vital provisions? Unless the couple you went to Glyndebourne with in the first place actively ignored you, lavishing all their attention on their unexpectedly come-upon friends, they weren’t really being rude.
On the other hand, a special occasion had been planned with that particular couple rather than a random melange. I imagine the new people were thrust upon you without consultation. What’s more, new people are an effort, especially when they appear from nowhere.
And so, on balance, I come down on your side. You’d signed up to do one thing and found yourself doing something else.
Even if pressed by your friends, the unknown (to you) pair should have accepted no more than a drink (if glasses could be found) or a tiny nibble, before shoving off to fend for themselves. Were they guilty of lack of tact?
If the group is very large, already containing people not familiar with each other and the occasion not a special one, it might be in order to invite extras met by chance who are unknown to others in the gang. But if it’s someone’s birthday, a work outing, if the party has some particular purpose, then no, it will skew the bouquet of people that has been carefully assembled.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
WHAT TO DO… about road hogs
I do not normally venture into motoring etiquette but it has been announced that the police are to have powers to dish out penalty points to tailgaters and hoggers of the middle lane.I welcome moves against the former. Dangerous, infuriating and ubiquitous, I’ve long wondered why nothing is done. No matter how fast you’re going (of course, never exceeding the speed limit) there’s always some moron pushing up behind. It’s the competitive spirit gone bad.
But middle-lane hogging I can’t disapprove of. The idea that the two outside lanes are reserved for overtaking exists only in the minds of traffic theorists and the authors of the Highway Code. In reality, the ‘slow’ lane is for lorries and caravans, the middle lane for vehicles travelling at 70mph and the fast lane for those exceeding the speed limit. I feel sorry for the socalled hoggers of the middle lane, who only wish to proceed steadily and avoid switching back and forth from the slow lane as they encounter yet another crawling lorry. In effect, they are overtaking continuously for the length of their journey. Leave them alone.