The Lady Guide to Modern Manners: 7 June
Dear Thomas,
I’m mortified. When a friend told me the details of the money side of her very much less than amicable divorce settlement, I never thought it was confidential. Now she’s furious that I passed on information to people I assumed might be concerned. I don’t know what to do. I’m one of the few people I know who can keep a secret – when asked to.
Selina Housego, Frome
Dear Selina,
I do sympathise. I’ve been in eau chaude myself over the same issue. Our modern way is openness. The old taboos are gone. Now people walk about with their bank statements, monthly pay slips, property details – including current value – repeat prescriptions for psychosis-suppressing drugs, plus relevant family court rulings, hung in one vibrant cascade round their necks. It’s impossible to know where confidentiality begins, if anywhere.
In this case, maybe your friend wanted to tell the others herself. It’s hard to imagine she could have kept her settlement a state secret for long anyway. Wouldn’t it be obvious that she either was/ was not selling her house, having to go out to work, etc? People can work it out for themselves.
You repeated the information out of concern, not to harm her. Nevertheless there’s some residual idea that money matters are private and you may have jumped the gun. So perhaps an apology is called for, with a plea for forgiveness that it would be stony-hearted of her not to grant eventually.
All the same, if someone wants a person to keep mum, they have to say so. These days assume that anything you say will be repeated, unless you request confidentiality. Even then, it’s not straightforward. There’s a type who tells everybody their deepest secret (that they’ve got a tiny bit of one finger missing, for instance). Really, they want attention and drama.
The other side of it is: can humans keep their mouths shut? No. We’re too sociable, curious about each other and not untainted by malice. We also love the truth. It’s not realistic to require confidentiality, except, at a stretch, if you say ‘Don’t tell anyone until next week.’ The more luridly you whisper, ‘It’s a deadly secret,’ the more you might as well say, ‘Tell everyone.’ Because that’s what will happen.
If you don’t want it spread around that your natural hair colour, like Dame Edna’s, is mauve, that you were originally from Mars and that last Thursday you weren’t off sick but at the races, then keep your mouth shut – don’t tell anybody. Not even your husband or wife. Another approach is not to have any secrets but to allow yourself to be wholly known.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
At least she was trying. It’s better than having a face like a slab of cold pie as Evelyn Waugh once described a countess.
However hard we try, though, there’s no driving away the notion – fake tan is common. Maybe, if you’re worried that you’re lurid, you could select a less vibrant product. One of the wonders of our age, along with fake fur and the stamping out of inflation, is the great forward strides made by the manufacturers of fake tan.
Otherwise you can embrace your orange-ness or deny it or both. Valentino’s partner told him in the back of a limo, ‘You want the truth… you’re just a little too tan.’ Valentino patted his dayglo cheeks – ‘Me? Never.’
I’m mortified. When a friend told me the details of the money side of her very much less than amicable divorce settlement, I never thought it was confidential. Now she’s furious that I passed on information to people I assumed might be concerned. I don’t know what to do. I’m one of the few people I know who can keep a secret – when asked to.
Selina Housego, Frome
Dear Selina,
I do sympathise. I’ve been in eau chaude myself over the same issue. Our modern way is openness. The old taboos are gone. Now people walk about with their bank statements, monthly pay slips, property details – including current value – repeat prescriptions for psychosis-suppressing drugs, plus relevant family court rulings, hung in one vibrant cascade round their necks. It’s impossible to know where confidentiality begins, if anywhere.
In this case, maybe your friend wanted to tell the others herself. It’s hard to imagine she could have kept her settlement a state secret for long anyway. Wouldn’t it be obvious that she either was/ was not selling her house, having to go out to work, etc? People can work it out for themselves.
You repeated the information out of concern, not to harm her. Nevertheless there’s some residual idea that money matters are private and you may have jumped the gun. So perhaps an apology is called for, with a plea for forgiveness that it would be stony-hearted of her not to grant eventually.
All the same, if someone wants a person to keep mum, they have to say so. These days assume that anything you say will be repeated, unless you request confidentiality. Even then, it’s not straightforward. There’s a type who tells everybody their deepest secret (that they’ve got a tiny bit of one finger missing, for instance). Really, they want attention and drama.
The other side of it is: can humans keep their mouths shut? No. We’re too sociable, curious about each other and not untainted by malice. We also love the truth. It’s not realistic to require confidentiality, except, at a stretch, if you say ‘Don’t tell anyone until next week.’ The more luridly you whisper, ‘It’s a deadly secret,’ the more you might as well say, ‘Tell everyone.’ Because that’s what will happen.
If you don’t want it spread around that your natural hair colour, like Dame Edna’s, is mauve, that you were originally from Mars and that last Thursday you weren’t off sick but at the races, then keep your mouth shut – don’t tell anybody. Not even your husband or wife. Another approach is not to have any secrets but to allow yourself to be wholly known.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
WHAT TO DO… about your fake tan
My friend, Genevieve Suzy, a magazine editor, has been complaining about teetering dollies (that’s her, not me) of unconvincing hue at the Derby. Of course, we all laughed when the yet-to be- disgraced Angus Deayton did a riff about newscasters on Have I Got News For You: there has been the first woman newscaster; the first black newscaster; and Natasha Kaplinsky, the first orange newscaster.At least she was trying. It’s better than having a face like a slab of cold pie as Evelyn Waugh once described a countess.
However hard we try, though, there’s no driving away the notion – fake tan is common. Maybe, if you’re worried that you’re lurid, you could select a less vibrant product. One of the wonders of our age, along with fake fur and the stamping out of inflation, is the great forward strides made by the manufacturers of fake tan.
Otherwise you can embrace your orange-ness or deny it or both. Valentino’s partner told him in the back of a limo, ‘You want the truth… you’re just a little too tan.’ Valentino patted his dayglo cheeks – ‘Me? Never.’