The Lady Guide to Modern Manners: 7 March
Dear Thomas,
For the past couple of months one of my husband’s friends, and large dog, have been staying on our couch since he has no job and has nowhere to go. At first it was OK but the more I get to know him, the more I find he has terrible etiquette. He spills the sugar, trails mud through the house and doesn’t clear up after his dog outside. At dinner time, he doesn’t join us at the table but is always texting, then starts eating later, when we’ve almost finished. Do I keep telling him what he is doing wrong? I feel like I’m dealing with a disgusting child.
Lottie Heaton, Ipswich
Dear Lottie,
I can just imagine your exasperation and exhaustion. I’d feel just the same. You can’t settle with someone like that in the house, always wondering what they’ll do next.
Is there a primeval, elemental aspect to this situation? I get so many letters about unwelcome house guests. Do we feel that a threat to fabrics in the home, however slight, such as dirt tramped into the carpet or sugar scattered about, is a threat to the fabric of our existence? Certainly feelings run high. As they may on the other side… The messy guest just doesn’t understand; their own home is a tip and they assume everyone else’s is. They’re outraged by accusations of slovenliness.
In your case, Lottie, I think you are right to describe your visitor as a disgusting child. He sounds not only hopeless but helpless. I wonder what the background is. Why hasn’t he got a job and a place to live? The most telling thing is that he doesn’t eat with you. Is it that he doesn’t feel worthy or that he isn’t used to being with people?
I know it’s easier said than done, but it might make you feel better if you could try to be patient with him. Expressing your fury is unlikely to make him change and will more likely lead to a breakdown in relations. You could gently insist that he joins you at mealtimes, making it a positive thing rather than an order. ‘Come and tell us what you’ve been doing… Let’s sit down together… etc.’
Otherwise there’s much to be said for jollity and a fait accompli. As you hand him the dust pan and brush, you can say, ‘I know you think I’m a terrible fusspot, but would you mind very much clearing up the grass that’s somehow just come in on your shoes?’
It might also be soothing to consider that the home can endure a certain amount of wear and tear, that stains can be got out and carpets vacuumed but that, even so, some degree of decline, a falling-off from a pristine, brandnew condition, is inevitable.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
She promises not to use her flash or bother other diners, but might it be vulgar? Photos will please her mother and friends and serve as a memento for herself.
Giles Coren has condemned food selfies. I’m not sure why. If accompanied by shrieks, then other diners might be annoyed and think, ‘They don’t come here often.’ But otherwise – what’s the problem? You’re allowed to pick up your knife in a restaurant and put it down again. You can eat bread. Why is a camera so harmful?
I go further: in these fine dining establishments it’s essential to snap the dishes for further study: are you sure, for example, that you didn’t get the snail foam muddled up with the seaweed and sea urchin reduction?
For the past couple of months one of my husband’s friends, and large dog, have been staying on our couch since he has no job and has nowhere to go. At first it was OK but the more I get to know him, the more I find he has terrible etiquette. He spills the sugar, trails mud through the house and doesn’t clear up after his dog outside. At dinner time, he doesn’t join us at the table but is always texting, then starts eating later, when we’ve almost finished. Do I keep telling him what he is doing wrong? I feel like I’m dealing with a disgusting child.
Lottie Heaton, Ipswich
Dear Lottie,
I can just imagine your exasperation and exhaustion. I’d feel just the same. You can’t settle with someone like that in the house, always wondering what they’ll do next.
Is there a primeval, elemental aspect to this situation? I get so many letters about unwelcome house guests. Do we feel that a threat to fabrics in the home, however slight, such as dirt tramped into the carpet or sugar scattered about, is a threat to the fabric of our existence? Certainly feelings run high. As they may on the other side… The messy guest just doesn’t understand; their own home is a tip and they assume everyone else’s is. They’re outraged by accusations of slovenliness.
In your case, Lottie, I think you are right to describe your visitor as a disgusting child. He sounds not only hopeless but helpless. I wonder what the background is. Why hasn’t he got a job and a place to live? The most telling thing is that he doesn’t eat with you. Is it that he doesn’t feel worthy or that he isn’t used to being with people?
I know it’s easier said than done, but it might make you feel better if you could try to be patient with him. Expressing your fury is unlikely to make him change and will more likely lead to a breakdown in relations. You could gently insist that he joins you at mealtimes, making it a positive thing rather than an order. ‘Come and tell us what you’ve been doing… Let’s sit down together… etc.’
Otherwise there’s much to be said for jollity and a fait accompli. As you hand him the dust pan and brush, you can say, ‘I know you think I’m a terrible fusspot, but would you mind very much clearing up the grass that’s somehow just come in on your shoes?’
It might also be soothing to consider that the home can endure a certain amount of wear and tear, that stains can be got out and carpets vacuumed but that, even so, some degree of decline, a falling-off from a pristine, brandnew condition, is inevitable.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
WHAT TO DO ABOUT… PHOTOGRAPHING MEALS
In New York, this is a hot issue: restaurants are banning the practice. A reader, Elizabeth Cooper, writes about her forthcoming visit to The Waterside Inn, Bray, a Michelin three-star restaurant. Will very correct behaviour be called for?She promises not to use her flash or bother other diners, but might it be vulgar? Photos will please her mother and friends and serve as a memento for herself.
Giles Coren has condemned food selfies. I’m not sure why. If accompanied by shrieks, then other diners might be annoyed and think, ‘They don’t come here often.’ But otherwise – what’s the problem? You’re allowed to pick up your knife in a restaurant and put it down again. You can eat bread. Why is a camera so harmful?
I go further: in these fine dining establishments it’s essential to snap the dishes for further study: are you sure, for example, that you didn’t get the snail foam muddled up with the seaweed and sea urchin reduction?