The Lady Guide to Modern Manners:15 March
Dear Thomas,
I’m about to set off on an early spring jaunt to New York. But I hear people there can be rather abrupt. Will I be in for a shock?
Ursula Cresswell, Lytham St Annes
Dear Ursula,
The short answer is, yes, you will be in for a shock. You might get shouted at. When I went to New York six years ago for the US publication of my book on manners, all the Americans I encountered recoiled in horror. ‘But we’re so rude,’ they cried. ‘Don’t you think we’re so rude?’
My mother, then in her early 80s, wanted to buy postcards. We went into a likely-looking shop. ‘Out the door. Left. Three blocks,’ the shopkeeper said, instead of, ‘I’m terribly sorry, I haven’t any postcards but you could possibly try…’
On the other hand, this blunt approach has its uses, memorably and concisely conveying exactly what you want to know. New Yorkers aren’t rude exactly – they just don’t hang around.
Yellow-cab drivers can be alarming: ‘Hurry up. Get in. Where d’you wanna go?’ they snarl. But they’ll get you there at breakneck speed.
The city is studded with abrupt notices: ‘Curb your dog’, ‘Don’t block the box’ (or box junction at a crossroads). In museums, officials pounce almost before you’ve done whatever it is you’re not meant to do. So the message blares out, rather terrifyingly: Don’t be selfish. Be considerate. That’s manners, isn’t it?
As a British person you might think that rules are only there to be broken. But it would be a mistake to resent the New York way. An instructive vignette in a bus on Fifth Avenue: the driver was absolutely in charge (which makes a nice change from home). ‘Get down inside the bus, folks,’ he shouts. ‘That’s you too,’ pointing at some recalcitrant individual. But at the next stop the back door fails to open. ‘Back door! Back door!’ the passengers wanting to get off shriek, not at all politely.
In America they’re all citizens; a bus driver can boss a millionaire about and the millionaire can speak rudely to the bus driver. Class just doesn’t come into it.
In restaurants and shops you might find the style of service irritating: ‘Hi! How are you? Have a great dinner!’ and so on, sometimes with no flicker of sincerity. By the way, everyone’s a ‘guy’ now, including ladies.
Don’t try any of your ironic English banter: they just look desperate and say, ‘Excuse me?’ Above all, remember: however ludicrous and blatant the efforts of staff, as with the bus driver, they’re citizens. They bristle with pride. Don’t mess with them.
If you’re offered something by the waiter and you don’t reply with a yes or no at once, you’ve missed your chance. They’ll be gone.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
Later, on the uptown subway, there was a young man shouting in an alarming, random kind of way: ‘Is this the uptown train? I’ve been waiting for 19 minutes.’ Nobody responded but later I saw him chatting amiably with a just-met fellow passenger.
As a friend who lives in New York explained: ‘People behave on the streets in the unrestrained fashion usually reserved for loved ones. It’s a marvellous family atmosphere.’
Aggression and impatience abound, but no rancour or resentment. Arguments are not prolonged; in fact, they’re immediately forgotten.
All this uninhibited carry-on is quite exciting. It’s all part of how you can talk to anyone and they’ll talk to you. You can get friendly with strangers in shops and have a wild time helping each other choose.
This is the thrill and fascination of New York. You never know what’s going to happen next.
I’m about to set off on an early spring jaunt to New York. But I hear people there can be rather abrupt. Will I be in for a shock?
Ursula Cresswell, Lytham St Annes
Dear Ursula,
The short answer is, yes, you will be in for a shock. You might get shouted at. When I went to New York six years ago for the US publication of my book on manners, all the Americans I encountered recoiled in horror. ‘But we’re so rude,’ they cried. ‘Don’t you think we’re so rude?’
My mother, then in her early 80s, wanted to buy postcards. We went into a likely-looking shop. ‘Out the door. Left. Three blocks,’ the shopkeeper said, instead of, ‘I’m terribly sorry, I haven’t any postcards but you could possibly try…’
On the other hand, this blunt approach has its uses, memorably and concisely conveying exactly what you want to know. New Yorkers aren’t rude exactly – they just don’t hang around.
Yellow-cab drivers can be alarming: ‘Hurry up. Get in. Where d’you wanna go?’ they snarl. But they’ll get you there at breakneck speed.
The city is studded with abrupt notices: ‘Curb your dog’, ‘Don’t block the box’ (or box junction at a crossroads). In museums, officials pounce almost before you’ve done whatever it is you’re not meant to do. So the message blares out, rather terrifyingly: Don’t be selfish. Be considerate. That’s manners, isn’t it?
As a British person you might think that rules are only there to be broken. But it would be a mistake to resent the New York way. An instructive vignette in a bus on Fifth Avenue: the driver was absolutely in charge (which makes a nice change from home). ‘Get down inside the bus, folks,’ he shouts. ‘That’s you too,’ pointing at some recalcitrant individual. But at the next stop the back door fails to open. ‘Back door! Back door!’ the passengers wanting to get off shriek, not at all politely.
In America they’re all citizens; a bus driver can boss a millionaire about and the millionaire can speak rudely to the bus driver. Class just doesn’t come into it.
In restaurants and shops you might find the style of service irritating: ‘Hi! How are you? Have a great dinner!’ and so on, sometimes with no flicker of sincerity. By the way, everyone’s a ‘guy’ now, including ladies.
Don’t try any of your ironic English banter: they just look desperate and say, ‘Excuse me?’ Above all, remember: however ludicrous and blatant the efforts of staff, as with the bus driver, they’re citizens. They bristle with pride. Don’t mess with them.
If you’re offered something by the waiter and you don’t reply with a yes or no at once, you’ve missed your chance. They’ll be gone.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
WHAT TO DO… if you get yelled at in American
Despite the above, quite a few New Yorkers are on the edge of boiling over at any minute. On a downtown sidewalk, a maniac was pounding along in the other direction: ‘Walk on the right! Always the right,’ he hollered at me.Later, on the uptown subway, there was a young man shouting in an alarming, random kind of way: ‘Is this the uptown train? I’ve been waiting for 19 minutes.’ Nobody responded but later I saw him chatting amiably with a just-met fellow passenger.
As a friend who lives in New York explained: ‘People behave on the streets in the unrestrained fashion usually reserved for loved ones. It’s a marvellous family atmosphere.’
Aggression and impatience abound, but no rancour or resentment. Arguments are not prolonged; in fact, they’re immediately forgotten.
All this uninhibited carry-on is quite exciting. It’s all part of how you can talk to anyone and they’ll talk to you. You can get friendly with strangers in shops and have a wild time helping each other choose.
This is the thrill and fascination of New York. You never know what’s going to happen next.