Modern manners

Dear Thomas,

Last week I went to someone’s house for supper and they served crab. Ugh! I just can’t stand it. In the end, I pushed it around my plate and then left it. It was really quite embarrassing. What’s the best thing to do?

Lorna Pearson, Woodbridge, Suffolk

Dear Lorna, Tricky! And I expect you were hungry too. Nancy Mitford once sat next to a young man at a grand banquet who murmured: ‘I’ve just put an oyster in my mouth. I think it’s bad. What shall I do?’ She said: ‘Swallow it if it kills you.’

This is extreme, of course, but there’s something to be said for the old-school approach. Jolly well sit there and eat it up. Some people are just so picky and fussy, aren’t they?

I’m sure that’s not true in your case. We all have one or two things we just can’t get down. Even so, I have a friend who claims he can’t touch anchovies and, as it happens, crab. But if anchovies are cooked into a dish and he can’t see them, he doesn’t notice. So there’s one answer: maybe, just maybe, if you tried a little bit of the hated food, it wouldn’t be so bad – or even quite nice.

But of course, if there’s something you know that you absolutely can’t eat or, if you have a serious allergy (such as to nuts) or other medical conditions, then do be sure to warn your hosts in advance. This is more practical than waiting for them to ask you what you don’t eat. The response to that question usually results in guests desperately trying to think of something: ‘I’m not very fond of squirrel.’ And of course the fusspots have a fi eld day.

However, even after you have warned your hosts that you have a serious condition, it’s worthwhile making sure they’ve got the message properly. I know someone who, when cooking for a severe nut-allergy sufferer, didn’t realise that groundnut oil would contain nuts until it was almost too late. Luckily, the person survived.

Having said all that, whether guests indicate dislikes or not, I do think that wise hosts will avoid offering certain foods that many people aren’t keen on: offal of any kind, and crab and seafood.

The worst-case scenario would be, despite every precaution, you still end up sitting at someone’s table with your idea of the vilest horror about to be put on your plate. On balance, it’s probably best to speak up, as breezily as you can manage.

I always have a box of eggs to hand and some herbs for these crises: just rustle up a herb omelette. Never fails. Hopefully, everyone will see the funny side and bond over the drama. The less embarrassed you can manage to be, the less the risk of it all becoming appalling.

Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER.

What do do about... Garbled voicemails

We’ve all experienced it. People who rattle out their phone number so fast on voicemail that you can’t write it down. Are you familiar with this small, piercing irritation? Someone leaves you a monumentally long-winded message on your answering machine. Right at the end there’s a noise like a nurse expertly ripping off a plaster. It’s the caller leaving their number. You have to replay the message eight times before you’ve got the dimmest idea what it is.

Why do they do it? Showing off, I’d say. They think it creates a marvellous aura of effi ciency and command – which it doesn’t. If this is you, stop it at once. It would be easier for the recipient of your message if you could also text or email your phone number – if you are able to – perhaps as well as the voicemail, if it’s someone you don’t know well.

Why not include in your greeting message (if technically possible) the immortal words: ‘If leaving your number, please… speak… slowly.’ Or, when you fi nally reach the caller, you could try these hints: ‘So glad I’ve got the right number. I wasn’t sure… had to listen to your message a few times… isn’t the weather marvellous…?’