My manifesto for modern manners
Dear Thomas,
Mine is a rather awkward dilemma. Social kissing. When am I supposed to do it and to whom? I am sure that at my age, 59, I should know the answer. My daughters both kiss people freely, but it fills my husband and me with dread. Please help...
Georgina Wilson, East Sussex
Dear Georgina,
Fear not. You are not alone. ‘Far too much kissing,’ my mother, 88, always says. Princess Margaret was along the same lines. ‘No kissing, Nicky,’ she once barked at Nicky Haslam, the interior designer and social fi gure. ‘It’s far too hot.’ She meant the weather.
For good or ill, there’s no stopping the social kissing juggernaut now. But, typically, there is uncertainty. How many times? What to do with the hands? What are the alternatives? What about shaking hands? Is social kissing established practice in all areas of the country?
If it hasn’t reached your neighbourhood yet, it soon will. For some people, the alternative, the down-to-earth handshake, is a sign of advanced social phobia or at least acute stuffiness.
On the whole, welcome the social kissing phenomenon with open arms – if you’ll pardon the pun. It’s only a novel, if peculiar, way of being friendly and polite. As a general rule, kiss acquaintances on meeting and parting. At small social gatherings, you kiss the guests you’ve never met before when saying goodbye, and sometimes you even kick off with kissing. Kiss anyone that wants to kiss you. If a kiss is careering towards you, offer your right cheek while holding lightly into the other person’s forearms, before kissing him/her on the left cheek. Then reverse decisively, making it clear you don’t want the fancyfication of four kisses.
Two kisses are quite enough. Four are just too theatrical – we are British, after all! Please do not worry about being ‘good at it’. Awkwardness and embarrassment are quite helpful if you don’t want to be thought of as too ‘slick’. Sometimes social kissing is not called for. A deeply metropolitan type once tried to kiss a whole row of Baptist aunts. ‘I’m sure they thought I was a sex pest.’ I think the older generation should not suffer the slapping if it’s plain
they’d rather shake hands. But I don’t suppose anyone will listen.
As for your husband, does he need to kiss? He could be encouraged to practise the man hug, a friendly solution that effects the same message. But do male friends and family members generally need our help? Their greetings and farewells usually,consist of aborted handshakes, awkward back-slapping and clumsy grabbing of arms, if anything at all. You might suppose there’s room for a bit of tidying up, but I think not. There’s a certain charm to it all. Let’s leave them as they are.
Please send your questions to Thomas. blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER.
WHAT TO DO ABOUT... THE STAND-UP PARTY
First and foremost, if you see someone standing on their own, treat it as an emergency, like a fire. There should be no wallfl owers at a good party.
If someone is hovering near your group, don’t keep them waiting for ages before you condescend to speak.
Do ask the right questions. So not 'What do you do?’ but ‘Do you have a long journey to work?’ Questions need not be wildly original – banal can be safe.
Moving on can be agony. I once spent an evening glued to a golf fanatic for lack of nerve to get away. Guilt and embarrassment? Try to slash through them and achieve a friendly, gracious, breezy parting: ‘Would you mind?’ ‘Will you excuse me?’ Don’t look shifty, and avoid the dreary cliché: ‘I’m going to get another drink.’
Considerate hosts try to introduce, although the bombastic introduction can be stumping: ‘This is Melissa: she’s sensational fun.’ Better more low key: ‘Meet Alice. She’s just moved in up the road.’
Who to say goodbye to? The hosts, whom you may interrupt briefly, if necessary. Also, if possible, anyone you’ve talked to extensively. A chance to repair any ill effects of moving on.