The Diary of Miss Darcy Bustle: 29 September

The Lady’s lovable office dog tells all
I never saw the film the Kingsman Secret Service because it is a 15 certificate and I was too young and now that there is a follow-up, I still can’t see it – even counting doggie years, I am still only 14. But I did see JB the pug posing on the red carpet for the premiere of Kingsman II. He was wearing an orange dinner jacket and a bow tie. But what he wasn’t sporting was an elegant miniature dachshund on his arm. I have sent him my number for next time…

This morning I got a letter in the post from a lady called Vicky who copy has written a book called The Lucky Dog Weight Loss Programme and she thought it was just the thing for me. Apparently lots of little dogs over-eat, especially in the run-up to Christmas, and end up like little puddings by the New Year. How rude. As Kath and Andrea are always telling me, I am perfect in every way. What I need is more food. And maybe more baths. I can be a bit pongy.

I’ve never been to Australia but that has to change. True, it’s a long way away, and it would involve an aeroplane ride which doesn’t sound nice, but it would be worth it to join in their charity Dogwalk. Every year, they raise thousands of pounds for Dachshund Rescue Australia and have great fun at the same time. There is a fashion show – there were dogs there wearing Chanel. Where is that label in my wardrobe? They also have a 15-metre race – that is quite a long way for someone with little legs. Entries are being taken for next year and I am going. Or at least I think I’m going. The editor is rather mean on expenses.

Fifi the pointless poodle from a few doors down has taken to crossing the road when she sees me and Duffle walking towards her. Or rather, she drags her owner towards the kerb. Duffle says I am imagining it but when I’ve barked a friendly ‘hello’ she literally looks like I have offered her a very old chewed up bone. Which I wouldn’t of course, because I love those.

Since Harold went off me and left the country (no need to go that far, I got the message), I have had no real romantic interest and I am getting a bit sad about it. Are there no single small- legged men out there? Where is my Mister Darcy?

See you next week Instagram @missdarcybustle