The Lady Guide to Modern Manners: 25 January
Dear Thomas,
My friend Ruth asked me what I thought of her performance as Tiny Tim in the village dramatic society’s A Christmas Carol. She was very insistent that I should be completely honest. So I said that considering she wasn’t ideal for the part, she did brilliantly. ‘What do you mean?’ she said. ‘Well, you’re not that tiny.’ It’s now more than a month and she is still not speaking to me.
Judith Pleasance, Near Prestatyn
Dear Judith,
Oh dear. Always a dangerous business, criticism of any kind, both giving and receiving. Some might blame your friend for asking in the first place. I’m in two minds. Do we not (I’m going to be grandiose) as a society, as a culture, all too often hide behind the shallow mask of manners? On the other hand, what happens when that mask is dropped?
Did your friend really mean it? Or was she fishing for compliments? Her show presumably had a director. Would this person not have been better qualified to give an assessment? Anyone asked, ‘What do you really think?’ has to judge carefully. In this case it’s hard to tell what motivated your friend. It sounds as if there was a misunderstanding. You didn’t mean to suggest that she’s on the stout side, just not a half-starved waif of about six. Fair enough. Don’t be afraid. Cut through her barbed wire and explain.
At other times, the violence of the reaction reflects the justice of the criticism. But the ‘victim’ forgets about it soon enough. Nevertheless, there is an art to giving criticism. In Mirror, by Sylvia Plath, the mirror speaks. ‘I am silver and exact’, it says. It imagines it speaks the truth but turns out to be vain, ignorant and without empathy. Humans who pride themselves on their command of the truth are often thus. Criticism should always be tentative, suggestive and understated – because there is always the possibility that it might not be fair or even anywhere near the truth.
Some forge in if invited to give ‘advice’ and take over. Much better to throw it all back at the person asking for help. ‘Do you think you did the right thing?’ As likely as not the person will be terribly harsh on themselves. Then you can offer realistic encouragement.
There’s always something positive to say, especially if you try to see it from the other person’s point of view. Avoid negative language – ‘don’t do this, don’t do that’ – and the language of compulsion – ‘you ought… you must.’
The vital thing is you must never make a person feel they were completely awful or totally in the wrong. It’s all a matter of opinion in the end and we must be allowed to do things our way.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
I must confess that my initial reaction tended to ridicule, but this young woman repays more careful attention. Most so-called finishing schools are indeed prim, snobbish and disastrously tangled up with class-ridden ‘Ladette-to-Lady’ notions. Would not a course concentrating on the pitfalls young women, through inexperience and lack of confidence, actually do fall into, be immensely useful?
I do not mean to be horrid and I’ve probably been watching too much Made In Chelsea, but knowing when to keep quiet would be a good place to start. Seriously, the world is often a very bewildering place to young people starting out, no matter how richly emblazoned they are with A grades. Hurled from the artifi cial hothouse of school, they need some guidance.
My friend Ruth asked me what I thought of her performance as Tiny Tim in the village dramatic society’s A Christmas Carol. She was very insistent that I should be completely honest. So I said that considering she wasn’t ideal for the part, she did brilliantly. ‘What do you mean?’ she said. ‘Well, you’re not that tiny.’ It’s now more than a month and she is still not speaking to me.
Judith Pleasance, Near Prestatyn
Dear Judith,
Oh dear. Always a dangerous business, criticism of any kind, both giving and receiving. Some might blame your friend for asking in the first place. I’m in two minds. Do we not (I’m going to be grandiose) as a society, as a culture, all too often hide behind the shallow mask of manners? On the other hand, what happens when that mask is dropped?
Did your friend really mean it? Or was she fishing for compliments? Her show presumably had a director. Would this person not have been better qualified to give an assessment? Anyone asked, ‘What do you really think?’ has to judge carefully. In this case it’s hard to tell what motivated your friend. It sounds as if there was a misunderstanding. You didn’t mean to suggest that she’s on the stout side, just not a half-starved waif of about six. Fair enough. Don’t be afraid. Cut through her barbed wire and explain.
At other times, the violence of the reaction reflects the justice of the criticism. But the ‘victim’ forgets about it soon enough. Nevertheless, there is an art to giving criticism. In Mirror, by Sylvia Plath, the mirror speaks. ‘I am silver and exact’, it says. It imagines it speaks the truth but turns out to be vain, ignorant and without empathy. Humans who pride themselves on their command of the truth are often thus. Criticism should always be tentative, suggestive and understated – because there is always the possibility that it might not be fair or even anywhere near the truth.
Some forge in if invited to give ‘advice’ and take over. Much better to throw it all back at the person asking for help. ‘Do you think you did the right thing?’ As likely as not the person will be terribly harsh on themselves. Then you can offer realistic encouragement.
There’s always something positive to say, especially if you try to see it from the other person’s point of view. Avoid negative language – ‘don’t do this, don’t do that’ – and the language of compulsion – ‘you ought… you must.’
The vital thing is you must never make a person feel they were completely awful or totally in the wrong. It’s all a matter of opinion in the end and we must be allowed to do things our way.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
WHAT TO DO… about guidance for young girls
I have had an intriguing email from a young lady of 19 who complains that, ‘To my dismay, most of the academies we come across only offer a “Ladetteto- Lady”-style course or are restricted to the teaching of “business etiquette”. Are there no fi nishing schools left that simply offer a comprehensive course for young ladies?’I must confess that my initial reaction tended to ridicule, but this young woman repays more careful attention. Most so-called finishing schools are indeed prim, snobbish and disastrously tangled up with class-ridden ‘Ladette-to-Lady’ notions. Would not a course concentrating on the pitfalls young women, through inexperience and lack of confidence, actually do fall into, be immensely useful?
I do not mean to be horrid and I’ve probably been watching too much Made In Chelsea, but knowing when to keep quiet would be a good place to start. Seriously, the world is often a very bewildering place to young people starting out, no matter how richly emblazoned they are with A grades. Hurled from the artifi cial hothouse of school, they need some guidance.