The Diary of Miss Darcy Bustle: 7 September


Some people at the office have been complaining about the heatwave. I won’t name names, but apparently the deputy picture editor, Toby the pug, struggles with the heat – he is a bit chubby. Admittedly, he’s not as bad as Charlie Chaplin – Jayne, one of our sub-editors’ chinchilla – who cannot be left home alone if the temperature rises above 22 degrees. She has to stay home and bathe him in cold water. I am tempted to tell them both about a new ice cream for dogs that is DELICIOUS. I had some on the pier in Hastings over the weekend – but if I told them, would I have to share?


Even the appearance of a suitcase in the hallway is such a traumatic sight for my friend Louis IV, the French boxer, that he shakes so violently his family have been known to cancel trips! How nutty is that? Well, he is French. But today I read a piece in the newspaper that some doggies are being cheered up with specially made soft toy models of their families so that they have someone to snuggle up to – but can that really work? Also, can a soft toy hand out treats and pats on the head?


I am beginning to feel a little sorry for Lulu Guinness, the cat I share a house with who has stuck her nose up at me since my arrival two and half years ago. I used to think she was a butch brute who didn’t take any nonsense from anyone – I once found her chomping her way through a mouse in my back garden as a little pre-dinner snack. But recently I am not so sure. A new cat has moved into the neighbourhood – Felix, a big fat, orange cat. At the risk of being sued, it’s fair to say that Felix is a cat burglar. He has taken to coming into the house at all times of the day and night, terrorising Lulu Guinness and eating her food. Last night I came back to find he had also stolen one of the dog chews I was saving for an emergency. Something has to be done.



This afternoon, as if she might have been reading my diary, the editor called me in to say she was considering getting a new magnetic dog flap fitted and did I mind? She didn’t want to alarm me, but she had discovered a big fat, orange cat sitting in her favourite chair. She had also noticed an odd smell around the house and wondered if I knew anything about that as well. The cheek of it! I only have a ‘little accident’ if Andrea or Kath get me over-excited at the office.


A neighbour emailed today asking if anyone knew who owned the large orange cat who had been terrorising their pussy. So far, no one has claimed to know Felix the cat burglar. Why would you?

See you next week 

Instagram @missdarcybustle