Dear Patricia Marie,
A friend of mine has recently set up a joint account and is planning on buying a house with a man she met on the internet just three months ago, but my husband and I have noticed that he has some serious money issues and lies a lot, including telling my friend that he has never been engaged before when in fact he has.
He’s become very friendly with my husband and tells him things that are different to what he tells my friend. She is completely besotted with him and is planning their entire future, whilst completely unaware of his financial situation. I don't know what I should do. I can't repeat anything my husband has told me about him as I don't want to spoil my husband’s friendship with this man. Although I'm worried that it's none of my business, I'm struggling to sit back and do nothing when I'm fearful this man might hurt my friend, who is oblivious to this man’s untrusting behaviour.
Am I overreacting and should I just ignore it?
Patricia Marie says...
You are concerned that you don't wish to jeopardise your husband's friendship with this man, yet they have only known each other for a few months, and in this time he has lied about both personal and financial matters, so perhaps discord between them is preferable, to protect your friend from making a huge mistake.
However, do remember that she is in love with this man, and may be in denial if told something she doesn’t want to believe. Rather than being seen as caring and loyal for disclosing this information, you might be construed as a troublemaker, which could cause you great anguish, despite your good intentions.
Although I do understand your wish to enlighten, you may risk your friendship in the process. Nevertheless, you could have a candid discussion with your friend and explain how worried you are that she is verging on a huge commitment with a man she barely knows. Suggest she checks his authenticity, and particularly the personal facts he has communicated to her. If she shows resentment at your suggestion, be prepared to let her find out the truth for herself. Some of the best lessons ever learnt are those we learn from our mistakes and failures. After all, the error of the past can be the success and wisdom of the future.
It is possible that this man may have no ulterior motive, other than perhaps retaining information for fear of being misjudged, but if it should prove that he has been manipulating the truth, is not to be trusted, and the relationship does crumble, continue to be there for your friend, and she will soon see that you are very much someone whom she can depend on.
Patricia Marie, our Agony Aunt, wants to hear your problems, dilemmas, and quarrels. Just email them to patricia.marie@lady.co.uk
