Calming the Christmas storm

Reinvention coach Katia Vlachos gives us her tips for taking the stress out of the festive season

Christmas is meant to be a time of magic and joy. But for many of us, the season of celebration can quickly become the season of stress, as parties, dinners and school events take over our December calendars.

In my work as a reinvention coach I often see successful, ambitious women who feel like failures for not ‘doing enough’. At Christmas this becomes even more apparent.

Whether we’re in charge of arranging the decorations or planning the holiday feast, it’s easy to get stuck in the cycle of creating picture-perfect moments for our families without giving much thought to what that is doing to us.

For women, especially, the pressure intensifies, as we’re often expected to be the keepers of ‘holiday magic’. We coordinate the gifts, maintain family traditions, and orchestrate countless festive moments while trying to maintain our own wellbeing. This expectation is simply exhausting, but it’s also part of a larger pattern of putting others’ needs before our own.

It doesn’t have to be like this, and I’m here to share some tips to help you avoid festive burnout and still have fun with your family.

Figure out what activates your perfectionism

The pressure to make Christmas the most wonderful time of the year for everyone can come from all sorts of places. For me, it was comparing my festive table with the one my mother would lay out when I was young. Identifying what you are competing against – and why you feel the need to do so – can help you figure out how to stop.

If social media trends are making you feel inadequate, consider unfollowing accounts that trigger negative thoughts.

If it’s childhood memories, think about why you’re still holding them in such high regard.

What can you do without?

Trying to ‘do it all’ only leads to disappointment and exhaustion. One Christmas, while my family were in the living room enjoying the festivities, I was stuck in bed with a fever, too exhausted to join in.

You can’t get a refund on your time, so think about what you’ll have to sacrifice whenever you’re faced with a new holiday commitment. Will it mean hours of travel and missing out on a family film night? Or being stuck in the kitchen by yourself creating the perfect dessert?

Decide what you’re willing to give up and what is non-negotiable for your wellbeing. There will always be tasks that you feel you should tick off, but your presence is the gift your family wants.

Simplify your to-do list

It’s important that once you’ve decided on your non-negotiables you set boundaries – and stick to them. An easy way to do so is by looking at your todo list and highlighting any areas that are adding more pressure than joy.

Last year I asked my guests to bring side dishes for dinner instead of me cooking them all. It freed up time and I was able to be more present with my family and friends – both physically and mentally.

Go through your list of holiday commitments and prioritise them, delegating or eliminating certain tasks altogether.

Spread the gender load

Why do women carry most of the holiday mental and emotional load? In my coaching practice I see how seasonal stress connects to old, persistent patterns of ‘good girl’ conditioning. We internalise the belief that creating perfect celebrations is somehow a measure of our worth as mothers, partners and women.

Breaking this pattern starts with awareness. How many holiday tasks do you automatically assume are yours? Question that. Is it because you’re the best person for the job, or because you’ve inherited the expectation that you would do it? Share your observations with your partner or family members. It’s possible they’ve never realised there is such an imbalance.

Managing family dynamics

The holidays often bring with them a whole set of expectations from different family members. Your mother-in-law might expect certain traditions to be maintained, while your own childhood memories pull you in another direction.

Start by acknowledging that you can’t – and shouldn’t – try to please everyone. Have open conversations about expectations early.

Don’t be afraid of change

From carol singing to visiting festive markets, for many of us there are Christmas activities that we cherish. But we can often find ourselves trying to recreate the magic of these moments without realising that they don’t work in our current reality.

Think about whether traditions still serve you and your family. Talk to them about what makes sense for you all in the present moment. Just because you’ve always done it, doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do.

Find your helpers

Asking for help doesn’t mean you have failed. Even Santa has helpers! But creating a support system takes more than just asking – it needs strategy and clear communication.

Create a shared calendar for holiday events and tasks. Assign each person responsibilities based on interests and abilities – perhaps your teenager who loves social media could document the celebrations, while your partner manages holiday correspondence.

When the system fails – and it sometimes will – have back-up plans ready. This might mean simplifying things or being prepared to let go of certain tasks entirely.

Christmas self-care

Always keep in mind that the best gift you can give your family is your presence. This makes your wellbeing non-negotiable. Create space for renewal throughout the season – a quiet cup of tea before the house wakes up; a short walk between preparing food courses, or five minutes of meditation before tackling gift wrapping.

Pay attention to your energy levels. Notice when you’re feeling depleted and need to recharge. Your physical and emotional wellbeing matters more than any celebration.

You don’t have to be happy

We’re often reminded that this is meant to be the happiest time of the year. But Christmas can bring up complex emotions, especially if you’re missing someone from the table or navigating difficult family changes.
It’s perfectly OK to acknowledge these feelings.

One meditation exercise I like to teach my clients when they’re in need of some rebalancing is mindful breathing. Find a quiet spot where you can relax without being disturbed. Inhale slowly for four counts and hold the breath for the same length of time. Release it slowly whilst counting to four. Repeat this as many times as you need to.

Besides mindful breathing you can also deal with difficult feelings through ritual: light a candle for absent loved ones, write in a journal, or step outside for a moment of quiet reflection. Share your feelings with trusted friends or family members –you might find they are experiencing similar emotions and you can help to support each other.

Cherish the unexpected

When we’re overwhelmed we often try to regain a sense of control by fixating on making everything run as planned, leaving no room for error – or fun. But it’s often the unexpected moments that make the best stories.

If your car or oven breaks down, gather everyone together to come up with a solution. Don’t worry about everything being perfect.

Count your blessings

Studies have shown there is a direct emotional link between gratitude and happiness. Being more aware and thankful for what we have can make us feel more hopeful and less stressed.

There’s no better time to do this than Christmas. Whether it’s for the meal you’re eating or the people you’re sharing it with, think about what you feel thankful for every day as you navigate the festive season.

Give yourself permission to create celebrations that honour both your family’s happiness and your own needs. When you’re present and peaceful, rather than perfect and exhausted, you create space for the real magic to emerge.

The best gift you can give your family is the example of a woman who knows she isn’t measured by how much she can do for others, but by how authentically she shows up for herself and those she loves.

◆ Uncaged: A Good Girl’s Journey to Reinvention by Katia Vlachos is published by Amplify, price £27

This feature first appeared in the December 2024 issue of The Lady magazine.

Picture: Adobe Stock