The Lady Guide to Modern Manners: 31 January
Dear Thomas,
Why are we not allowed to disagree with anyone these days? On Facebook, someone posted: ‘Facebook etiquette: don’t get annoyed at what other people say. Learn how to skim and move on. Better yet, embrace diversity.’ All well and good, but what if you are annoyed by what other people say and what they do?
Sheila Berry, Stirling
Dear Sheila,
We live in strange times. I think you are right to detect in the air a feeling that confrontation is wrong. But perhaps it isn’t exactly new. The British have always been famed for not getting involved. If someone’s dropping litter or barging a queue: it’s best to say nothing while wearing a hard, disapproving face. In social situations, it is not polite to get into arguments.
Nowadays we call it ‘diversity’, and the context is respect for other cultures, women and gay people.
The trouble is it’s a rigidity, despite appearing to be the opposite. It’s only human nature to seek hard-and-fast rules to live by but the results can prove fatal in real life. People grow so accustomed to having their views ‘respected’ that the tiniest whiff of disagreement provokes outrage. So, ironically, ‘diversity’ leads to more entrenchment.
Let’s seek a functional way forward when we find the views of others annoying. First of all, is the person up for debate? Don’t go to town on people who’ve made passing remarks backed up by little thought. If you really feel that a person’s opinions are mistaken, tactful questioning might be more productive than lecturing them about what you think – which they probably won’t listen to anyway.
The expression ‘You could say…’ to preface an opposing attitude is useful. Or ‘I don’t quite understand…’; ‘I’m not quite sure what you’re saying…’
If you think you’re better informed, don’t ram that down their throats. Don’t make them feel ignorant or defenceless.
In discussions about books or films, people harp on about some moment that the other person clearly didn’t register. If you’re truly interested in debate rather than winning, you will listen and notice.
Also, know when to stop, which should be the point at which you feel you have been listened to and that you have listened to them – not when you have ground them to dust.
Don’t let anyone tell you if you’re annoyed (ie, passionate) that you ought to ‘move on’ – implication: you’re mad. History shows again and again the value of those who are single-minded almost to the point of mania. What would have happened if Marie Curie had ‘moved on’?
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
A headmistress I once knew complained that the request for a reference from another school was the first she knew that a member of her staff was thinking of leaving. Not a good situation all round.
In the workplace it might be, mistakenly, taken for granted that your boss will write a reference, but in fact it’s extra work for them and, these days, often a complicated and arduous procedure. It is more than just a courtesy to ask in advance. Also, as well as it being in their own interests, an employee has a moral duty to warn the present employer that they plan to depart. Jobseekers might be under pressure or even desperate. If a friend is a regular referee they might have just forgotten. That headmistress made a joke of it while making her views clear. So speak out, but don’t be too horrid.
Why are we not allowed to disagree with anyone these days? On Facebook, someone posted: ‘Facebook etiquette: don’t get annoyed at what other people say. Learn how to skim and move on. Better yet, embrace diversity.’ All well and good, but what if you are annoyed by what other people say and what they do?
Sheila Berry, Stirling
Dear Sheila,
We live in strange times. I think you are right to detect in the air a feeling that confrontation is wrong. But perhaps it isn’t exactly new. The British have always been famed for not getting involved. If someone’s dropping litter or barging a queue: it’s best to say nothing while wearing a hard, disapproving face. In social situations, it is not polite to get into arguments.
Nowadays we call it ‘diversity’, and the context is respect for other cultures, women and gay people.
The trouble is it’s a rigidity, despite appearing to be the opposite. It’s only human nature to seek hard-and-fast rules to live by but the results can prove fatal in real life. People grow so accustomed to having their views ‘respected’ that the tiniest whiff of disagreement provokes outrage. So, ironically, ‘diversity’ leads to more entrenchment.
Let’s seek a functional way forward when we find the views of others annoying. First of all, is the person up for debate? Don’t go to town on people who’ve made passing remarks backed up by little thought. If you really feel that a person’s opinions are mistaken, tactful questioning might be more productive than lecturing them about what you think – which they probably won’t listen to anyway.
The expression ‘You could say…’ to preface an opposing attitude is useful. Or ‘I don’t quite understand…’; ‘I’m not quite sure what you’re saying…’
If you think you’re better informed, don’t ram that down their throats. Don’t make them feel ignorant or defenceless.
In discussions about books or films, people harp on about some moment that the other person clearly didn’t register. If you’re truly interested in debate rather than winning, you will listen and notice.
Also, know when to stop, which should be the point at which you feel you have been listened to and that you have listened to them – not when you have ground them to dust.
Don’t let anyone tell you if you’re annoyed (ie, passionate) that you ought to ‘move on’ – implication: you’re mad. History shows again and again the value of those who are single-minded almost to the point of mania. What would have happened if Marie Curie had ‘moved on’?
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
WHAT TO DO ABOUT… PROVIDING REFERENCES
How should you react if you’re accustomed to providing references for friends and colleagues who are applying for jobs and find that the person hasn’t approached you in advance to ask if you are willing to be a referee?A headmistress I once knew complained that the request for a reference from another school was the first she knew that a member of her staff was thinking of leaving. Not a good situation all round.
In the workplace it might be, mistakenly, taken for granted that your boss will write a reference, but in fact it’s extra work for them and, these days, often a complicated and arduous procedure. It is more than just a courtesy to ask in advance. Also, as well as it being in their own interests, an employee has a moral duty to warn the present employer that they plan to depart. Jobseekers might be under pressure or even desperate. If a friend is a regular referee they might have just forgotten. That headmistress made a joke of it while making her views clear. So speak out, but don’t be too horrid.