The Lady Guide to Modern Manners: 9 May
Dear Thomas,
It’s strange when someone’s been a friend for years and you only just notice their patronising habit of criticising you for not knowing things. ‘Have you really never read Lark Rise To Candleford?’ ‘How could you have missed the whole of The Killing on TV?’ I’m suddenly exasperated and I’d like to stop her doing this. What do you suggest?
Ashlin Grisewood, Nottingham
Dear Ashlin,
I can remember my grandmother saying, ‘We must make sure Cousin Hugh doesn’t find out you don’t know what a kestrel looks like.’ Everyone was terrified of Cousin Hugh, who came over from his home in Malaysia every five years and cared only to stay with relations who removed the seeds from tomatoes.
In the first place, Ashlin, you are absolutely right. Taking a superior attitude to other people’s ignorance is completely out these days. There is no fixed programme of knowledge any more that everyone is expected to acquire. Your friend is behind the times.
If you say to a schoolchild of today, ‘What books ought you to read?’ they will reply, ‘There’s no “ought” about it.’ This is liberating in many ways. No more slogging through a dusty Dickens, hating every moment of it, because you’ve got to.
Genuine interest, real pleasure and understanding are more likely to arise where there is some freedom to choose what you want to read or know about. There’s the risk, of course, that they’ll choose to stick with Barbara Cartland.
But there will always be those of a competitive outlook who wish to brandish their knowledge to the disadvantage of others. This is dismal. These people are selfish. They don’t want you to share in their pleasure and excitement. They want to keep it to themselves. That’s the whole point. ‘Do you really not understand Einstein’s Theory Of Relativity?’ they say. ‘No,’ I feel like screaming. ‘But I wish I did. So why don’t you explain it to me in a helpful and informative way?’
Admittedly it can be embarrassing when some glaring gap in someone’s knowledge emerges. Never heard of Leonardo da Vinci? Or the Middle Ages? Even so, no excuse to make a person feel small. Do your best to explain the Middle Ages enticingly as if it was something you did every day.
As for getting the better of a know-all, I wouldn’t normally recommend tit for tat, but these people are so wound up and defensive, it often works. Give as good as you get: ‘Really! You’ve never heard of Mary Berry!’ If the penny doesn’t drop, the next time they condescend to you, take the bull by the horns. Say: ‘Indeed, I know nothing about Aga sagas but I’m looking forward to you telling me all about them.’ If they ignore you, persist.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
Equally I aim to be crisp and efficient at the checkout. I dread holding up the person behind. So given my fragile state of mind, it is discouraging if they thump down a ‘Next Customer Please’ sign between your shopping and theirs, perhaps having leant over me to get hold of one, as if to say, ‘We’ll draw a clear line under you and your nonsense, thank you very much.’ Do they think it’s my job to place the sign? It isn’t. I already put one to mark off the person in front’s shopping. Of course, some delightful banter would diffuse all this fear and loathing in an instant.
It’s strange when someone’s been a friend for years and you only just notice their patronising habit of criticising you for not knowing things. ‘Have you really never read Lark Rise To Candleford?’ ‘How could you have missed the whole of The Killing on TV?’ I’m suddenly exasperated and I’d like to stop her doing this. What do you suggest?
Ashlin Grisewood, Nottingham
Dear Ashlin,
I can remember my grandmother saying, ‘We must make sure Cousin Hugh doesn’t find out you don’t know what a kestrel looks like.’ Everyone was terrified of Cousin Hugh, who came over from his home in Malaysia every five years and cared only to stay with relations who removed the seeds from tomatoes.
In the first place, Ashlin, you are absolutely right. Taking a superior attitude to other people’s ignorance is completely out these days. There is no fixed programme of knowledge any more that everyone is expected to acquire. Your friend is behind the times.
If you say to a schoolchild of today, ‘What books ought you to read?’ they will reply, ‘There’s no “ought” about it.’ This is liberating in many ways. No more slogging through a dusty Dickens, hating every moment of it, because you’ve got to.
Genuine interest, real pleasure and understanding are more likely to arise where there is some freedom to choose what you want to read or know about. There’s the risk, of course, that they’ll choose to stick with Barbara Cartland.
But there will always be those of a competitive outlook who wish to brandish their knowledge to the disadvantage of others. This is dismal. These people are selfish. They don’t want you to share in their pleasure and excitement. They want to keep it to themselves. That’s the whole point. ‘Do you really not understand Einstein’s Theory Of Relativity?’ they say. ‘No,’ I feel like screaming. ‘But I wish I did. So why don’t you explain it to me in a helpful and informative way?’
Admittedly it can be embarrassing when some glaring gap in someone’s knowledge emerges. Never heard of Leonardo da Vinci? Or the Middle Ages? Even so, no excuse to make a person feel small. Do your best to explain the Middle Ages enticingly as if it was something you did every day.
As for getting the better of a know-all, I wouldn’t normally recommend tit for tat, but these people are so wound up and defensive, it often works. Give as good as you get: ‘Really! You’ve never heard of Mary Berry!’ If the penny doesn’t drop, the next time they condescend to you, take the bull by the horns. Say: ‘Indeed, I know nothing about Aga sagas but I’m looking forward to you telling me all about them.’ If they ignore you, persist.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
WHAT TO DO ABOUT… SUPERMARKET SHOPPERS
On the whole, one is very worried about the person behind one in the queue. Sometimes they biff you or your trolley with their trolley. They might even move your trolley. Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t like anyone touching my trolley. Sometimes they stand too close.Equally I aim to be crisp and efficient at the checkout. I dread holding up the person behind. So given my fragile state of mind, it is discouraging if they thump down a ‘Next Customer Please’ sign between your shopping and theirs, perhaps having leant over me to get hold of one, as if to say, ‘We’ll draw a clear line under you and your nonsense, thank you very much.’ Do they think it’s my job to place the sign? It isn’t. I already put one to mark off the person in front’s shopping. Of course, some delightful banter would diffuse all this fear and loathing in an instant.