Dear Patricia Marie,
I lost my beloved mum just before last Christmas to covid, and I am having to face my first Mother's Day without her. We always made the day so special and loved spending time together, having fun and just being close to each other. I feel my heart has been truly broken and that I will never recover from this unbearable loss. I am trying to be brave as I have two beautiful teenagers and don't want to be crying around them. I am also struggling to open up to my family and friends, as I feel they can't cope with me being miserable most of the time. I keep ignoring their calls as they don’t understand that nothing or no one will bring mum back. How dare she be taken from me, and how on earth am I going to get through the day while everyone else is celebrating?
Patricia Marie says...
I am so very sorry for the loss of your mum, and the grief you are clearly suffering, which can be easily heightened on Mother's Day. However, not everyone will be happily celebrating, and particularly for those, who like yourself, are facing the first one without mum, this could prove to be overwhelming. Also, with lockdown restrictions still in place, Mother’s Day isn’t going to be celebrated in its normal form. Nevertheless, your pain is particularly raw, therefore, I ask you to please be gentle with yourself and try not to set expectations too high. Plan something that is healing for you, but realise that you will still experience a wide range of emotions.
If you can, try to do something positive, and perhaps choose an activity that will help connect you and your mum. Be comforted by looking at photographs of her, spraying some of her favourite perfume, or listening to significant pieces of music, to relive those special memories, which can never be taken from you. Although this may be upsetting at first, it will allow you to feel her presence, and as time goes on, it could become your own ritual. Most importantly, don't isolate yourself. Your family and friends would want to be helping and supporting you at this time, just as you would want to be there for them if they were hurting.
I urge you to contact your GP who may be able to prescribe some medication to help lift you during this painful time, and could also organise some counselling for you. Cruse Bereavement Care can offer help and support right now, and this dedicated organisation could arrange for you to join a local group, albeit visually at the moment, where you would be able to meet others who are struggling with loss. Listening and sharing your sorrow with those who are grieving too, could make you feel better understood.
Have you considered buying your mum a Mother's Day card, or have some of her favourite flowers close by, to celebrate this day in your own unique way? She may not be here - but is still very much your mum. Don’t forget you are a mum too. Take time out on this day to remember how precious your children are, who would be very much missing their grandmother, but would be wanting to be there for you, because you are hugely special to them - just as your mum was to you.
For additional help, advice and support, contact: Cruse Bereavement Care: 0844 477 9400 www.cruse.org.uk
Patricia Marie, our Agony Aunt, wants to hear your problems, dilemmas, and quarrels. Just email them to patricia.marie@lady.co.uk
