The Lady Guide to Modern Manners: 10 May
Dear Thomas,
I’m finding that more and more of my friends are overdoing the work excuse: taking calls while I’m talking to them, and lack of punctuality. ‘Sorry, I’m working,’ they say, as if it explains everything. And it’s all they talk about. Does work really take precedence over everything?
Brian Cathcart, Solihull
Dear Brian,
A lot of people think it does. I blame the 1980s (and Mrs Thatcher, of course. She was always working). I’ve known whole evenings cancelled at the last minute; even holidays. ‘Hollywood calling,’ they toss out, and clearly you’re expected to say, ‘But of course, in that case, I completely understand.’ Otherwise the ardent devotee of work shows up but is on the phone to some money outfit all through dinner or even all through the holiday.
I think of Philip Larkin: ‘Why should I let the toad work/Squat on my life?’ In his second Toads poem he concludes, ‘Give me your arm, old toad;/Help me down Cemetery Road.’
In other words, the comforting routine of work keeps thoughts of death at bay. Or, with no work, you’d be a vagrant searching through bins in the park.
Perhaps this is why people get rather prickly and self-important about their work. Work justifies their existence, makes them feel needed. Or they believe, like Mrs Thatcher, that toil is a virtue. They can’t see that not everyone thinks as they do. All too often the wielder of the work excuse doesn’t recognise that they’re making certain choices, that with a bit more organisation and determination, they could get their work done in normal working hours. They could be less afraid to say that they’re not available at nine o’clock at night. Some people just can’t leave their work alone. It’s an obsession. It’s not good for them.
But, no, it’s not reasonable to expect other people to carry the burden of your work in social situations. Work is not an adequate excuse for being late. Holidays and dinner parties are supposed to be work free. If you have really absolutely got to drag your work along with you (Hollywood is, after all, in a different time zone: it may be genuinely unavoidable) massive apologies are called for and every effort should be made to minimise impact – calls taken and computer used out of sight and earshot, surely?
It’s also a good idea to warn and apologise on arrival of the impending need to deal with professional matters. If you’re trying to buy a multimillionpound milk-processing plant, it might be better to cancel – but don’t get your secretary to call. And if you’re asked, ‘What have you been up to recently?’, please don’t say, ‘Working.’ It’s so dreary.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
When I lived in Primrose Hill in the 1970s, there was a house where they had their dishwasher positioned in the front window. It was a Colston freestanding dishwasher. I don’t know if you remember such a thing.
Every time you went along the pretty stuccoed street, there it was – the back of this dishwasher, not even the front – marring the scene. In my mind, which you might think a rather odd place, this is on a par with a kitchen not tidied before bedtime.
The other week my friend Genevieve Suzy, the magazine editor, was round and she said she couldn’t bear not to tidy her kitchen before bed. I agreed and in fact she helped me tidy mine.
So the point is: if someone does not tidy their kitchen before bedtime, what are they going to do next? Surely, sooner or later, their fearsome private slovenliness is going to spill out on to the street, causing horror.
I’m finding that more and more of my friends are overdoing the work excuse: taking calls while I’m talking to them, and lack of punctuality. ‘Sorry, I’m working,’ they say, as if it explains everything. And it’s all they talk about. Does work really take precedence over everything?
Brian Cathcart, Solihull
Dear Brian,
A lot of people think it does. I blame the 1980s (and Mrs Thatcher, of course. She was always working). I’ve known whole evenings cancelled at the last minute; even holidays. ‘Hollywood calling,’ they toss out, and clearly you’re expected to say, ‘But of course, in that case, I completely understand.’ Otherwise the ardent devotee of work shows up but is on the phone to some money outfit all through dinner or even all through the holiday.
I think of Philip Larkin: ‘Why should I let the toad work/Squat on my life?’ In his second Toads poem he concludes, ‘Give me your arm, old toad;/Help me down Cemetery Road.’
In other words, the comforting routine of work keeps thoughts of death at bay. Or, with no work, you’d be a vagrant searching through bins in the park.
Perhaps this is why people get rather prickly and self-important about their work. Work justifies their existence, makes them feel needed. Or they believe, like Mrs Thatcher, that toil is a virtue. They can’t see that not everyone thinks as they do. All too often the wielder of the work excuse doesn’t recognise that they’re making certain choices, that with a bit more organisation and determination, they could get their work done in normal working hours. They could be less afraid to say that they’re not available at nine o’clock at night. Some people just can’t leave their work alone. It’s an obsession. It’s not good for them.
But, no, it’s not reasonable to expect other people to carry the burden of your work in social situations. Work is not an adequate excuse for being late. Holidays and dinner parties are supposed to be work free. If you have really absolutely got to drag your work along with you (Hollywood is, after all, in a different time zone: it may be genuinely unavoidable) massive apologies are called for and every effort should be made to minimise impact – calls taken and computer used out of sight and earshot, surely?
It’s also a good idea to warn and apologise on arrival of the impending need to deal with professional matters. If you’re trying to buy a multimillionpound milk-processing plant, it might be better to cancel – but don’t get your secretary to call. And if you’re asked, ‘What have you been up to recently?’, please don’t say, ‘Working.’ It’s so dreary.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
WHAT TO DO… if someone doesn’t tidy up properly
Intermittently I indulge in attacks on the practices of others that can have little impact on anybody else. Most recently it was young men who go out on a cold evening without a coat.When I lived in Primrose Hill in the 1970s, there was a house where they had their dishwasher positioned in the front window. It was a Colston freestanding dishwasher. I don’t know if you remember such a thing.
Every time you went along the pretty stuccoed street, there it was – the back of this dishwasher, not even the front – marring the scene. In my mind, which you might think a rather odd place, this is on a par with a kitchen not tidied before bedtime.
The other week my friend Genevieve Suzy, the magazine editor, was round and she said she couldn’t bear not to tidy her kitchen before bed. I agreed and in fact she helped me tidy mine.
So the point is: if someone does not tidy their kitchen before bedtime, what are they going to do next? Surely, sooner or later, their fearsome private slovenliness is going to spill out on to the street, causing horror.