The Lady Guide to Modern Manners:19 April
Dear Thomas,
Isn’t it rather astonishing the way people carry on about wills these days? I hear that children have no qualms about raising the subject with their parents. Makers of wills think nothing of advertising their arrangements liberally. Is this wise?
Dawn Saintbridge, Droitwich
Dear Dawn,
I’m reminded of the time our neighbour, Mrs Conniebeer, came back from her solicitor with a copy of her will sticking invitingly out of her bag. Of course her daughter read it and was outraged at her measly portion. Before long, the whole village knew about it. The general verdict was that Mrs C had set the whole thing up.
Ideally, will-makers should make fair wills that won’t hurt anybody, especially the deceased’s children, however awful and undeserving. But many imagine themselves getting the last word: ‘For my daughter, £3.72 and only if she leaves that awful man.’
In Muriel Spark’s Memento Mori, the grannies in the geriatric wing cry, ‘Send for the willpaper’ whenever affronted. The ward is full the entire time of nurses bouncing in and out with the old ladies’ wills. But no other pleasure remains to them, sadly.
On the whole, it’s manipulative to divulge the contents of your will. ‘I’m leaving you my emeralds,’ means, ‘You’re my slave for as long as I live.’ What’s more, a legacy from a dear friend is supposed to be a surprise, like a present. There might, though, be difficult exceptions.
On The Archers a few years ago, there was a tremendous row about how Phil intended to divide up the interest in his farm between his four children, all of whom pitched in with wild abandon. Nobody seemed to find this tasteless or improper.
I can imagine that many families would find such discussions upsetting in the extreme. Many possible benefi ciaries might well feel highly uncomfortable. On the other hand, where there is a conundrum over the inheritance (to divide a farm in four would make it totally uneconomic) it might be best for grievances to be aired while there’s still a chance to do something about them. To be hurt by a will is a terrible thing.
Where a parent has had the nerve to marry again or circumstances are otherwise complicated, it might be helpful for the benefactor to indicate their intentions in the briefest possible fashion. It’s not a topic anyone wants to dwell on. Should they fail to drop any hints, it might not be entirely out of order for the potential heirs to ask, although with the utmost delicacy. Starting an argument over what you hear is really not right. People are entitled to do what they like with their property, after all.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 3940 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
On the other hand, they wouldn’t want you to fall into the hands of those awful 24-hour people from the Yellow Pages, would they?
But there is a larger issue here: can you call anyone on any business matter during leisure hours – at weekends; when they are known to be on holiday; in the evenings? If the emergency is absolute – water is pouring down the walls and so on – you could call your plumber on a Sunday, but do you know where your stopcock is? Can you turn off your water supply yourself? If not, then why not?
There are a lot of calls and texts that are fl ying about out of hours and they really could wait. Wouldn’t it be calmer and more healthy to curb this at least? The boundaries are blurred because your plumber might well call you or text you on a Sunday.
People these days don’t get enough rest, which is probably the reason why the pipes in their houses burst in the first place.
Isn’t it rather astonishing the way people carry on about wills these days? I hear that children have no qualms about raising the subject with their parents. Makers of wills think nothing of advertising their arrangements liberally. Is this wise?
Dawn Saintbridge, Droitwich
Dear Dawn,
I’m reminded of the time our neighbour, Mrs Conniebeer, came back from her solicitor with a copy of her will sticking invitingly out of her bag. Of course her daughter read it and was outraged at her measly portion. Before long, the whole village knew about it. The general verdict was that Mrs C had set the whole thing up.
Ideally, will-makers should make fair wills that won’t hurt anybody, especially the deceased’s children, however awful and undeserving. But many imagine themselves getting the last word: ‘For my daughter, £3.72 and only if she leaves that awful man.’
In Muriel Spark’s Memento Mori, the grannies in the geriatric wing cry, ‘Send for the willpaper’ whenever affronted. The ward is full the entire time of nurses bouncing in and out with the old ladies’ wills. But no other pleasure remains to them, sadly.
On the whole, it’s manipulative to divulge the contents of your will. ‘I’m leaving you my emeralds,’ means, ‘You’re my slave for as long as I live.’ What’s more, a legacy from a dear friend is supposed to be a surprise, like a present. There might, though, be difficult exceptions.
On The Archers a few years ago, there was a tremendous row about how Phil intended to divide up the interest in his farm between his four children, all of whom pitched in with wild abandon. Nobody seemed to find this tasteless or improper.
I can imagine that many families would find such discussions upsetting in the extreme. Many possible benefi ciaries might well feel highly uncomfortable. On the other hand, where there is a conundrum over the inheritance (to divide a farm in four would make it totally uneconomic) it might be best for grievances to be aired while there’s still a chance to do something about them. To be hurt by a will is a terrible thing.
Where a parent has had the nerve to marry again or circumstances are otherwise complicated, it might be helpful for the benefactor to indicate their intentions in the briefest possible fashion. It’s not a topic anyone wants to dwell on. Should they fail to drop any hints, it might not be entirely out of order for the potential heirs to ask, although with the utmost delicacy. Starting an argument over what you hear is really not right. People are entitled to do what they like with their property, after all.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 3940 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
WHAT TO DO… if you need a plumber on a Sunday
Or, for that matter, an electrician. Such experts may be trusted and muchadored cogs in your household machinery but most likely they have not undertaken to provide an emergency service.On the other hand, they wouldn’t want you to fall into the hands of those awful 24-hour people from the Yellow Pages, would they?
But there is a larger issue here: can you call anyone on any business matter during leisure hours – at weekends; when they are known to be on holiday; in the evenings? If the emergency is absolute – water is pouring down the walls and so on – you could call your plumber on a Sunday, but do you know where your stopcock is? Can you turn off your water supply yourself? If not, then why not?
There are a lot of calls and texts that are fl ying about out of hours and they really could wait. Wouldn’t it be calmer and more healthy to curb this at least? The boundaries are blurred because your plumber might well call you or text you on a Sunday.
People these days don’t get enough rest, which is probably the reason why the pipes in their houses burst in the first place.