The Lady Guide to Modern Manners: 17 May
Dear Thomas,
A message popped up recently on Facebook. It said that true friendship is never resenting those loved ones who haven’t been in touch. A real friend understands that we are busy and that we love them. I wasn’t so sure. What do you think? Martine Anchorage, Swindon
Dear Martine,
This sounds like something lifted from an American self-help book or spawned by that deeply lovely film of the 1970s, Love Story, at the exquisitely mawkish climax of which (a deathbed, of course) somebody says, ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry’. Really? It blooming well does.
The little Facebook sermon is similarly naive. If you try to live in its smug, artificial glow, you’ll be disappointed. For one sitting alone in their bungalow, friends who are never in touch might not be much use. Ivy Compton- Burnett, when asked what she most valued in a friend, said, ‘Availability’. Some need more looking after than others. A certain degree of neediness (dread failing in our society today), a measure of grudge, are surely forgivable human failings, like meanness.
I know people who go spare if made to feel guilty about not seeing enough of someone but they’re the ones with the problem. They don’t want to be tied down, and see friendship as a leisure activity identical to an away-day at Whipsnade Zoo. What’s more, from the other side of their faces, they will complain abundantly about all the friends who’ve been neglecting them.
If an accusing finger is pointed at you, it may not be very nice. You may feel that the accuser is a little selfish, but think what Jesus would have done. Try to be warm, sympathetic and arrange to see them soon. On the other hand, we do get swept up in the whirl of our own busyness and there are only so many dinner parties you can give. Ideally, however vulnerable you feel, it’s pointless to imagine your friends have thought of nothing but how they might most effectively ignore you. Who knows, maybe they’re thinking the same about you! It might be an effort: you feel listless but push yourself to reach out to them. You’ll feel so much better.
Some friends fill their diaries with alternative engagements just to prove to themselves that they don’t really need each other.
Many of us, I suspect, accept any invitation going, fearing the limitless void, and never really think, ‘Who do we actually want to be with?’
On the other hand, the massively controlled social life is prissy and life-denying. ‘I won’t do this… I won’t see that person.’ We’re hopeless, wobbly humanity, riddled with imperfection. Hurl yourself in and hope for the best.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
Some years ago at Lloyds Bank, having discovered your name from your cheque, the cashier would then wield it in the au revoir procedure. Once again, this was plainly a directive from the marketing departure, but soon dropped because it was rather creepy.
The great profundity here is: What are manners? Are they bolted on, learned behaviour? Lady Redesdale, mother of the Mitfords, said that Hitler had the most charming manners. Or does courtesy spring from deep within the moral being?
A friend once complained of his boss’s insincere enquiries after his weekend. But as it turned out, his next boss, who was off her head, was far worse. Worthwhile the instinct to courtesy, however poor the execution.
A message popped up recently on Facebook. It said that true friendship is never resenting those loved ones who haven’t been in touch. A real friend understands that we are busy and that we love them. I wasn’t so sure. What do you think? Martine Anchorage, Swindon
Dear Martine,
This sounds like something lifted from an American self-help book or spawned by that deeply lovely film of the 1970s, Love Story, at the exquisitely mawkish climax of which (a deathbed, of course) somebody says, ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry’. Really? It blooming well does.
The little Facebook sermon is similarly naive. If you try to live in its smug, artificial glow, you’ll be disappointed. For one sitting alone in their bungalow, friends who are never in touch might not be much use. Ivy Compton- Burnett, when asked what she most valued in a friend, said, ‘Availability’. Some need more looking after than others. A certain degree of neediness (dread failing in our society today), a measure of grudge, are surely forgivable human failings, like meanness.
I know people who go spare if made to feel guilty about not seeing enough of someone but they’re the ones with the problem. They don’t want to be tied down, and see friendship as a leisure activity identical to an away-day at Whipsnade Zoo. What’s more, from the other side of their faces, they will complain abundantly about all the friends who’ve been neglecting them.
If an accusing finger is pointed at you, it may not be very nice. You may feel that the accuser is a little selfish, but think what Jesus would have done. Try to be warm, sympathetic and arrange to see them soon. On the other hand, we do get swept up in the whirl of our own busyness and there are only so many dinner parties you can give. Ideally, however vulnerable you feel, it’s pointless to imagine your friends have thought of nothing but how they might most effectively ignore you. Who knows, maybe they’re thinking the same about you! It might be an effort: you feel listless but push yourself to reach out to them. You’ll feel so much better.
Some friends fill their diaries with alternative engagements just to prove to themselves that they don’t really need each other.
Many of us, I suspect, accept any invitation going, fearing the limitless void, and never really think, ‘Who do we actually want to be with?’
On the other hand, the massively controlled social life is prissy and life-denying. ‘I won’t do this… I won’t see that person.’ We’re hopeless, wobbly humanity, riddled with imperfection. Hurl yourself in and hope for the best.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
WHAT TO DO… if asked how you are at the checkout
This is what happens in the nicer type of supermarket. The trouble is we know that staff have been programmed with certain courtesy lines. The giveaway is how they change. In the very delightful emporium where I shop they’ve recently switched from ‘Hello’ to ‘How are you today?’. I visit a number of branches and they’re all doing it.Some years ago at Lloyds Bank, having discovered your name from your cheque, the cashier would then wield it in the au revoir procedure. Once again, this was plainly a directive from the marketing departure, but soon dropped because it was rather creepy.
The great profundity here is: What are manners? Are they bolted on, learned behaviour? Lady Redesdale, mother of the Mitfords, said that Hitler had the most charming manners. Or does courtesy spring from deep within the moral being?
A friend once complained of his boss’s insincere enquiries after his weekend. But as it turned out, his next boss, who was off her head, was far worse. Worthwhile the instinct to courtesy, however poor the execution.