The Lady Guide to Modern Manners: 21 March
Dear Thomas,
I’m afraid that I’ve behaved very badly. On holiday in Malaysia with a long-standing colleague, who is also a friend, and my husband, I discovered to my horror that they’d arranged for other people who work for me (I run my own business) to fly out and join us for a ‘surprise’ celebration of my company’s 20th anniversary. It was all champagne and limos. I went along with it for 15 minutes, then told my employees to go home at once. I felt that my holiday was being taken over. I don’t understand how people who know me well could have made such a ridiculous plan. Dolly Christopher, London
Dear Dolly,
So – a take on the familiar surprise party, to mark an important anniversary or ‘landmark’ birthday, but on a grander scale. An initial response of shock and annoyance is perfectly understandable. If only I’d known, the ‘victim’ often thinks, I’d have got a new out t or seen to it that certain people weren’t invited.
In The Archers, Susan Carter struggled at her surprise party to recognise half the guests because someone had had the brilliant idea of dredging up acquaintances from her past. She hadn’t a clue who they were. Surprise parties appear to be more popular with younger people possibly because the formula can’t very well be repeated.
A person might fail to be surprised a second time. But when you turn 30 you perhaps do not expect much of a celebration so an unexpected large gathering of friends is a surprise and an honour. By 50 you could be thinking: ‘I should jolly well hope so too.’
Either way, it’s a delicate balance. I advise caution if you’re planning a surprise party. It’s not automatically a good idea. Some people would rather be in control. Others might be overwhelmed and brought to the brink of collapse.
All the same, I’ve never heard of a response as extreme as yours, Dolly – absolutely refusing to join in and abolishing the whole thing on the spot. But I suppose it must have happened in other cases. You sound confused about your actions; you say you ‘behaved badly’, then that those who planned the ‘surprise’ were entirely to blame. Perhaps if you had allowed yourself to have the celebration it would not have been as all-consuming as you feared and you could have found ways of limiting the impact on the rest of your holiday.
Which is perhaps the best way forward for others who might feel like doing what you did. Don’t rage or sink into helpless passivity, either. Behave as if you’re in charge. Surge towards your guests, embracing wildly. After all, your loved ones, in planning the event, meant well.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
I was stunned. ‘What do you mean?’ I gawped. ‘I think they must be students,’ my companion said.
Then, on Sunday night in the Co-op, a young man was in a top coat and… yes, blue-and-white striped pyjama bottoms. Next day I sallied forth to Waitrose, late-afternoon. There, by the yogurts, the same kind of young man, in pink-and-brown stripes.
But without question, pyjama bottoms. I felt the thrill of an anthropologist making a new discovery. But how violently should we object? Such is modern trousering, can we really distinguish pyjama bottoms from other forms of lower leisure wear? It’s quite something that young people even possess these specialised night suits. I thought they only had underpants and T-shirts. On the other hand, a desperate slovenliness is implied: not dressed by evening and out in this condition. For the time being, I am content merely to spot the phenomenon.
I’m afraid that I’ve behaved very badly. On holiday in Malaysia with a long-standing colleague, who is also a friend, and my husband, I discovered to my horror that they’d arranged for other people who work for me (I run my own business) to fly out and join us for a ‘surprise’ celebration of my company’s 20th anniversary. It was all champagne and limos. I went along with it for 15 minutes, then told my employees to go home at once. I felt that my holiday was being taken over. I don’t understand how people who know me well could have made such a ridiculous plan. Dolly Christopher, London
Dear Dolly,
So – a take on the familiar surprise party, to mark an important anniversary or ‘landmark’ birthday, but on a grander scale. An initial response of shock and annoyance is perfectly understandable. If only I’d known, the ‘victim’ often thinks, I’d have got a new out t or seen to it that certain people weren’t invited.
In The Archers, Susan Carter struggled at her surprise party to recognise half the guests because someone had had the brilliant idea of dredging up acquaintances from her past. She hadn’t a clue who they were. Surprise parties appear to be more popular with younger people possibly because the formula can’t very well be repeated.
A person might fail to be surprised a second time. But when you turn 30 you perhaps do not expect much of a celebration so an unexpected large gathering of friends is a surprise and an honour. By 50 you could be thinking: ‘I should jolly well hope so too.’
Either way, it’s a delicate balance. I advise caution if you’re planning a surprise party. It’s not automatically a good idea. Some people would rather be in control. Others might be overwhelmed and brought to the brink of collapse.
All the same, I’ve never heard of a response as extreme as yours, Dolly – absolutely refusing to join in and abolishing the whole thing on the spot. But I suppose it must have happened in other cases. You sound confused about your actions; you say you ‘behaved badly’, then that those who planned the ‘surprise’ were entirely to blame. Perhaps if you had allowed yourself to have the celebration it would not have been as all-consuming as you feared and you could have found ways of limiting the impact on the rest of your holiday.
Which is perhaps the best way forward for others who might feel like doing what you did. Don’t rage or sink into helpless passivity, either. Behave as if you’re in charge. Surge towards your guests, embracing wildly. After all, your loved ones, in planning the event, meant well.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
WHAT TO DO ABOUT… PYJAMA-WEARERS
Last Saturday, at lunch, someone said to me: ‘What do you think about people shopping in their pyjamas?’I was stunned. ‘What do you mean?’ I gawped. ‘I think they must be students,’ my companion said.
Then, on Sunday night in the Co-op, a young man was in a top coat and… yes, blue-and-white striped pyjama bottoms. Next day I sallied forth to Waitrose, late-afternoon. There, by the yogurts, the same kind of young man, in pink-and-brown stripes.
But without question, pyjama bottoms. I felt the thrill of an anthropologist making a new discovery. But how violently should we object? Such is modern trousering, can we really distinguish pyjama bottoms from other forms of lower leisure wear? It’s quite something that young people even possess these specialised night suits. I thought they only had underpants and T-shirts. On the other hand, a desperate slovenliness is implied: not dressed by evening and out in this condition. For the time being, I am content merely to spot the phenomenon.