HOW TO SOBER UP…& other jolly eccentric advice from yesteryear
From how to lose weight to what to wear, we are bombarded with advice for better living. But how would past experts have dealt with our daily dilemmas?
How to Remove a Stain - 1562
‘To take all maner of spots out of sylke. Take the iuyce of great and round musheroms of a sharpe taste, weate the spots in it the space of two houres, and than washe them with cleare water, and let them drye.’ - Alessio Piemontese, The Thyrde And Laste Parte Of The Secretes Of The Reverende Maister Alexis Of Piemont
Why bother with a stain stick when you could just rub a large mushroom on your blouse?
How to Give Birth - Circa 1450
‘I advise you to scream loudly, so that everyone will believe that you are in great pain, and your husband and the other members of the household will have compassion, and they will try to put out the great fire of your pain by serving you capons, candied almonds, and fine wines.’ - Michele Savonarola, Ad Mulieres Ferrarienses
Don’t worry about labour. But do make sure you play your cards right, because there just might be some fine wines in it for you.
How to Sober Up - 1612
‘That one shall not be drunke. Drink the iuice of Yerrow fasting, and ye shall not be drunke for no drinke, and if you were drunke, it will make you sober, or else eate the marrow of Porke, fasting, and ye shall not be drunke, and if ye be drunke annoint your priuie members in Vineger, and ye shall waxe sober.’ - The Booke Of Pretty Conceits
When you need to sober up and sober up fast, there’s only one thing for it. Douse your private parts in vinegar. Beats the two-gallons-of-blackcoffee trick, hands down.
How to Sleep - 1474
‘It is very good to sleep first on the right side, then on the left. No sane person should sleep on his back, for many serious illnesses result, since liquid humor, when turned from its proper course by such a position in bed, may infect brain and nerves and kidneys… At night we must avoid the moon, especially when sleeping, for it stirs cold humors and generates many kinds of catarrhs, especially if the moon’s rays, which are cold and damp, fall on the head of the sleeper.’ - Bartolomeo Platina, De Honesta Voluptate Et Valetudine
This sleep choreography is a little fiddly, but you can thank Platina when you avoid a brain infection.
How to look good on a budget - Circa 1280
‘Your clothing should be pleasing and fi ne, cut to your fi gure. If you have no expensive cloth to make clothing, then have it cut nicely from something less than the best, so that it looks good and you appear well dressed. If you lack good clothing, you should accept this: but let your shoes and footwear, belt, purse, and knife be the fi nest you can have… Be very careful not to wear unkempt clothing, for anything torn is lovelier by far: one appears ill-bred when wearing unkempt clothes, but torn ones simply cannot be helped. It never takes great skill to make something lovely look nice, but one who knows how to wear well what is not lovely appears pleasing and courtly.’ - Amanieu De Sescás, Enssenhamen De l’Escudier
The courtly look: it’s all in the accessories.
How to pack for a journey - 1480
‘[A traveller] should carry with him two bags: one very full of patience, the other containing two hundred Venetian ducats, or at least one hundred and fi fty… furthermore, he should provision himself with good Lombard cheese, sausages, tongue, and other cured meats of every sort; white biscuits, some cakes of sugar, and various confections, but not a great quantity because they spoil quickly. Above all he should take plenty of fruit syrup, because that is what keeps a man alive in extreme heat; and also ginger syrup to settle his stomach if it is upset by too much vomiting.’ - Santo Brasca, Viaggio In Terrasanta
Airport security may take your fruit syrups, and customs may confi scate your cured meats, but no one can take away your suitcase full of patience.
How to slim down - 12th century
‘If, however, the woman is fat and seemingly dropsical, let us mix cow dung with very good wine and with such a mixture we afterward anoint her. Then let her enter a steambath up to the neck, which steambath should be very hot from a fi re made of elder [wood], and in it, while she is covered, let her emit a lot of sweat… We also treat fat men in another way. We make for them a grave next to the shore of the sea in the sand, and in the described manner you will anoint them, and when the heat is very great we place them halfway into the grave, halfway covered with hot sand poured over. And there we make them sweat very much. And afterward we wash them very well with the water of the previous bath.’ - The Trotula
You’re planning a trip to the Bahamas, but you’re feeling a bit dropsical. No problem: this manure wrap will help you achieve your beach body in no time. And if that isn’t enough, you can always bury yourself in the sand.
How to predict bad weather - Circa 1470
‘When you see a cat sitting in the sun in a window, licking its behind and rubbing its ear with its leg, be sure that it will rain that very day.’ - Les Evangiles Des Quenouilles
The good news is that this forecasting technique requires nothing more than your cat. The bad news is that it is almost certainly going to rain every day.
Extracts from Ask The Past: Pertinent And Impertinent Advice From Yesteryear, by Elizabeth P Archibald, published by Square Peg, priced £14.99.
How to Remove a Stain - 1562
‘To take all maner of spots out of sylke. Take the iuyce of great and round musheroms of a sharpe taste, weate the spots in it the space of two houres, and than washe them with cleare water, and let them drye.’ - Alessio Piemontese, The Thyrde And Laste Parte Of The Secretes Of The Reverende Maister Alexis Of Piemont
Why bother with a stain stick when you could just rub a large mushroom on your blouse?
How to Give Birth - Circa 1450
‘I advise you to scream loudly, so that everyone will believe that you are in great pain, and your husband and the other members of the household will have compassion, and they will try to put out the great fire of your pain by serving you capons, candied almonds, and fine wines.’ - Michele Savonarola, Ad Mulieres Ferrarienses
Don’t worry about labour. But do make sure you play your cards right, because there just might be some fine wines in it for you.
How to Sober Up - 1612
‘That one shall not be drunke. Drink the iuice of Yerrow fasting, and ye shall not be drunke for no drinke, and if you were drunke, it will make you sober, or else eate the marrow of Porke, fasting, and ye shall not be drunke, and if ye be drunke annoint your priuie members in Vineger, and ye shall waxe sober.’ - The Booke Of Pretty Conceits
When you need to sober up and sober up fast, there’s only one thing for it. Douse your private parts in vinegar. Beats the two-gallons-of-blackcoffee trick, hands down.
How to Sleep - 1474
‘It is very good to sleep first on the right side, then on the left. No sane person should sleep on his back, for many serious illnesses result, since liquid humor, when turned from its proper course by such a position in bed, may infect brain and nerves and kidneys… At night we must avoid the moon, especially when sleeping, for it stirs cold humors and generates many kinds of catarrhs, especially if the moon’s rays, which are cold and damp, fall on the head of the sleeper.’ - Bartolomeo Platina, De Honesta Voluptate Et Valetudine
This sleep choreography is a little fiddly, but you can thank Platina when you avoid a brain infection.
How to look good on a budget - Circa 1280
‘Your clothing should be pleasing and fi ne, cut to your fi gure. If you have no expensive cloth to make clothing, then have it cut nicely from something less than the best, so that it looks good and you appear well dressed. If you lack good clothing, you should accept this: but let your shoes and footwear, belt, purse, and knife be the fi nest you can have… Be very careful not to wear unkempt clothing, for anything torn is lovelier by far: one appears ill-bred when wearing unkempt clothes, but torn ones simply cannot be helped. It never takes great skill to make something lovely look nice, but one who knows how to wear well what is not lovely appears pleasing and courtly.’ - Amanieu De Sescás, Enssenhamen De l’Escudier
The courtly look: it’s all in the accessories.
How to pack for a journey - 1480
‘[A traveller] should carry with him two bags: one very full of patience, the other containing two hundred Venetian ducats, or at least one hundred and fi fty… furthermore, he should provision himself with good Lombard cheese, sausages, tongue, and other cured meats of every sort; white biscuits, some cakes of sugar, and various confections, but not a great quantity because they spoil quickly. Above all he should take plenty of fruit syrup, because that is what keeps a man alive in extreme heat; and also ginger syrup to settle his stomach if it is upset by too much vomiting.’ - Santo Brasca, Viaggio In Terrasanta
Airport security may take your fruit syrups, and customs may confi scate your cured meats, but no one can take away your suitcase full of patience.
How to slim down - 12th century
‘If, however, the woman is fat and seemingly dropsical, let us mix cow dung with very good wine and with such a mixture we afterward anoint her. Then let her enter a steambath up to the neck, which steambath should be very hot from a fi re made of elder [wood], and in it, while she is covered, let her emit a lot of sweat… We also treat fat men in another way. We make for them a grave next to the shore of the sea in the sand, and in the described manner you will anoint them, and when the heat is very great we place them halfway into the grave, halfway covered with hot sand poured over. And there we make them sweat very much. And afterward we wash them very well with the water of the previous bath.’ - The Trotula
You’re planning a trip to the Bahamas, but you’re feeling a bit dropsical. No problem: this manure wrap will help you achieve your beach body in no time. And if that isn’t enough, you can always bury yourself in the sand.
How to predict bad weather - Circa 1470
‘When you see a cat sitting in the sun in a window, licking its behind and rubbing its ear with its leg, be sure that it will rain that very day.’ - Les Evangiles Des Quenouilles
The good news is that this forecasting technique requires nothing more than your cat. The bad news is that it is almost certainly going to rain every day.
Extracts from Ask The Past: Pertinent And Impertinent Advice From Yesteryear, by Elizabeth P Archibald, published by Square Peg, priced £14.99.