The Lady Guide to Modern Manners: 14 February
Dear Thomas,
My friends are laughing at me because my husband takes me for a romantic Valentine’s dinner. ‘You’re too old for all that,’ they say. Or could it just be jealousy on their part?
Rose Goodamore, Droitwich
Dear Rose,
It’s not awfully gracious of them to pass comment on your domestic arrangements. You could tell them to mind their own business but I see you are taking it in good spirit.
Why shouldn’t you be romantic if that’s what you want? I hope your evening is lovely. On the other hand, there’s a certain inevitability about your friends’ mockery. Perhaps it has a useful function, a dose of reality. When couples get too cloying and exclusive, that’s when things start to go wrong.
Increasingly, there’s been a backlash against Valentine’s Day. Has it become merely an opportunity for the confectionery and greetings card industry to rake in? What about all the other events it is now obligatory to observe: Father’s Day, Burns Night. We’d never heard of them until a few years ago. Where will it end… 4th Cousin Once Removed Day? Auntie Who Is Not Auntie But Mother’s Best Friend Day?
I hesitate to generalise (actually, I don’t at all) but romance is not what it was. Young people of my acquaintance don’t appear to have the yearning for it that we did in my generation. They’re more hard-headed and practical.
Quite a lot of romance is men being chivalrous. Love goes in fashions: in the Middle Ages, they did Courtly Love. That’s gone out completely. Romance, meaning red roses, candlelit dinners, sweet murmurings and poetry being whispered, is just as much an invention as anything else.
These days, when we say, ‘They have such a healthy relationship’ we mean they argue a lot, have separate friends and aren’t glued at the hip, yet there’s a deep bond and no one else will do. Or, perhaps it’s not so new: when Jane Austen describes the marriage of Elizabeth and Darcy, is she hinting at an ideal? They’re opposites and compensate for each other’s weaknesses. Mr Darcy’s sister, Georgiana, is shocked by the ‘lively and sportive manner’ in which Elizabeth addresses her husband.
But, back to practicalities: it has been suggested that Valentine’s Day should be ‘Love Everybody Day’. I don’t think so. It’s about Romance, and that means couples. Fear not cliché and heart-shaped items. If you like you can bake your own. Darling Nigella is full of ideas. Also, inhibitions should be disposed of and shy and retiring people are expected to shout their love from the rooftops. However, if you do express your love more fully, do it in your own way. Otherwise your partner might not recognise you.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
I am reminded of journalist Olly Richards’ uplifting experiences on London Transport over one week, which he wrote about in a London free newspaper, before Christmas. When music was rattling out of someone’s headphones, he asked them to turn it down, and they did. Teenagers on a bus offered their seats to an elderly lady; the driver waited patiently for her to sit down before setting off. On the Piccadilly line from Heathrow, natives helped tourists.
I thought it was time for some good news on the manners front.
My friends are laughing at me because my husband takes me for a romantic Valentine’s dinner. ‘You’re too old for all that,’ they say. Or could it just be jealousy on their part?
Rose Goodamore, Droitwich
Dear Rose,
It’s not awfully gracious of them to pass comment on your domestic arrangements. You could tell them to mind their own business but I see you are taking it in good spirit.
Why shouldn’t you be romantic if that’s what you want? I hope your evening is lovely. On the other hand, there’s a certain inevitability about your friends’ mockery. Perhaps it has a useful function, a dose of reality. When couples get too cloying and exclusive, that’s when things start to go wrong.
Increasingly, there’s been a backlash against Valentine’s Day. Has it become merely an opportunity for the confectionery and greetings card industry to rake in? What about all the other events it is now obligatory to observe: Father’s Day, Burns Night. We’d never heard of them until a few years ago. Where will it end… 4th Cousin Once Removed Day? Auntie Who Is Not Auntie But Mother’s Best Friend Day?
I hesitate to generalise (actually, I don’t at all) but romance is not what it was. Young people of my acquaintance don’t appear to have the yearning for it that we did in my generation. They’re more hard-headed and practical.
Quite a lot of romance is men being chivalrous. Love goes in fashions: in the Middle Ages, they did Courtly Love. That’s gone out completely. Romance, meaning red roses, candlelit dinners, sweet murmurings and poetry being whispered, is just as much an invention as anything else.
These days, when we say, ‘They have such a healthy relationship’ we mean they argue a lot, have separate friends and aren’t glued at the hip, yet there’s a deep bond and no one else will do. Or, perhaps it’s not so new: when Jane Austen describes the marriage of Elizabeth and Darcy, is she hinting at an ideal? They’re opposites and compensate for each other’s weaknesses. Mr Darcy’s sister, Georgiana, is shocked by the ‘lively and sportive manner’ in which Elizabeth addresses her husband.
But, back to practicalities: it has been suggested that Valentine’s Day should be ‘Love Everybody Day’. I don’t think so. It’s about Romance, and that means couples. Fear not cliché and heart-shaped items. If you like you can bake your own. Darling Nigella is full of ideas. Also, inhibitions should be disposed of and shy and retiring people are expected to shout their love from the rooftops. However, if you do express your love more fully, do it in your own way. Otherwise your partner might not recognise you.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
WHAT TO DO ABOUT… PUBLIC TRANSPORT
Anton Casey, 39, a wealthy banker resident in Singapore, posted recently on Facebook, underneath a picture of his Porsche: ‘Normal service can resume, once I have washed the stench of public transport off me.’ He also captioned a photograph of his small son sitting on a train: ‘Daddy, where is your car and who are all these poor people?’ When these messages went viral, Mr Casey was all but driven out of Singapore. His wife is Bernice Wong, former Miss Singapore.I am reminded of journalist Olly Richards’ uplifting experiences on London Transport over one week, which he wrote about in a London free newspaper, before Christmas. When music was rattling out of someone’s headphones, he asked them to turn it down, and they did. Teenagers on a bus offered their seats to an elderly lady; the driver waited patiently for her to sit down before setting off. On the Piccadilly line from Heathrow, natives helped tourists.
I thought it was time for some good news on the manners front.