The Lady Guide to Modern Manners: 2 May
Dear Thomas,
My brother Henry lives some distance away. We had an awful falling-out in the family 10 years ago, which made him very unhappy so we reconciled. But now he insists on dropping in without warning. Once he even complained that I’d only offered him a sandwich. Another time he and his wife arrived at breakfast time, refused even a cup of tea and criticised what I was having for breakfast. If I try to arrange a meeting in advance, his wife says their diary is full for the next five weeks. Meanwhile, Henry is always dropping hints to our other brothers: ‘When am I going to be invited?’ I really don’t know what to do.
Geraldine MacPherson, Canterbury
Dear Geraldine,
Families! Just let me get this straight – your brother wants to be invited but refuses to make a plan. He then drops in at inconvenient times, and either refuses whatever hospitality is offered at short notice or criticises it. His wife, you say, is the one who claims that their diary is full.
I’ve said before that dropping in is delightful but you must phone in advance and accept that it might not be convenient. But especially within families, some assume a right to drop in and feel hurt and rejected if told their timing isn’t ideal. This is irrational but irrational feelings are the hardest to dislodge. Nevertheless, I’d tackle this aspect first. Explain that planning is not hostile but means your gathering can be the best. Be soothing and kind, not prickly and cross.
If his wife claims that their diary is full for five weeks, say, ‘Well, how about after five weeks then?’ But I wouldn’t believe the full diary story. They’ve clearly got quite a few gaps when they come and make a nuisance of themselves with you. People lay claim to a full diary as a defence against loneliness and to make themselves look important. A reasonably adjusted person doesn’t think about whether their diary is full or empty.
You could even ignore the ‘not free for five weeks’ rule and suggest dates sooner. I bet you anything they’ll suddenly be available.
What’s clear is that your brother wants to see you but is vulnerable and difficult about it all. From the sound of it, the whole family situation has become brittle and overheated. Try to short-circuit this. If he continues to drop in and be tricky, make light of it. Convey that you don’t take him seriously but at the same time you’re taking command. Say, ‘I didn’t know you were coming, so I’ve only got a choice of three hot dinners to offer you and one of them’s down the pub and you’re paying.’
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
In conversation, ‘you’ as a generic second person plural, instead of ‘one’, can be hazardous.
‘You feel awkward,’ you say to someone, who has been explaining some everyday embarrassment such as which knife and fork to use. All you hoped for was to ‘chime in’, as Alan Bennett might say. But they flinch. They think you mean them personally. If only one could say ‘one’, one’s meaning would be clear.
My brother Henry lives some distance away. We had an awful falling-out in the family 10 years ago, which made him very unhappy so we reconciled. But now he insists on dropping in without warning. Once he even complained that I’d only offered him a sandwich. Another time he and his wife arrived at breakfast time, refused even a cup of tea and criticised what I was having for breakfast. If I try to arrange a meeting in advance, his wife says their diary is full for the next five weeks. Meanwhile, Henry is always dropping hints to our other brothers: ‘When am I going to be invited?’ I really don’t know what to do.
Geraldine MacPherson, Canterbury
Dear Geraldine,
Families! Just let me get this straight – your brother wants to be invited but refuses to make a plan. He then drops in at inconvenient times, and either refuses whatever hospitality is offered at short notice or criticises it. His wife, you say, is the one who claims that their diary is full.
I’ve said before that dropping in is delightful but you must phone in advance and accept that it might not be convenient. But especially within families, some assume a right to drop in and feel hurt and rejected if told their timing isn’t ideal. This is irrational but irrational feelings are the hardest to dislodge. Nevertheless, I’d tackle this aspect first. Explain that planning is not hostile but means your gathering can be the best. Be soothing and kind, not prickly and cross.
If his wife claims that their diary is full for five weeks, say, ‘Well, how about after five weeks then?’ But I wouldn’t believe the full diary story. They’ve clearly got quite a few gaps when they come and make a nuisance of themselves with you. People lay claim to a full diary as a defence against loneliness and to make themselves look important. A reasonably adjusted person doesn’t think about whether their diary is full or empty.
You could even ignore the ‘not free for five weeks’ rule and suggest dates sooner. I bet you anything they’ll suddenly be available.
What’s clear is that your brother wants to see you but is vulnerable and difficult about it all. From the sound of it, the whole family situation has become brittle and overheated. Try to short-circuit this. If he continues to drop in and be tricky, make light of it. Convey that you don’t take him seriously but at the same time you’re taking command. Say, ‘I didn’t know you were coming, so I’ve only got a choice of three hot dinners to offer you and one of them’s down the pub and you’re paying.’
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
WHAT TO DO ABOUT… THE TERM ‘ONE’?
I would not usually want to see anything bad about the Queen, but it’s rather her fault that ‘one’ got discredited. We’re not allowed to say ‘one’ any more as a substitute for ‘I’ or ‘you’. ‘One’ has been marked down as posh, stuffy and somehow lacking in warmth and spontaneity. True, to say ‘One is wearing a hat’ has a strange disembodied feel as if ‘one’ is too grand to be an actual person composed of flesh and blood. On the other hand, there are occasions when ‘I’ is on the flimsy side. One yearns for the greater weight of ‘one’, of the self, yet beyond it.In conversation, ‘you’ as a generic second person plural, instead of ‘one’, can be hazardous.
‘You feel awkward,’ you say to someone, who has been explaining some everyday embarrassment such as which knife and fork to use. All you hoped for was to ‘chime in’, as Alan Bennett might say. But they flinch. They think you mean them personally. If only one could say ‘one’, one’s meaning would be clear.