Dear Thomas
I’m sure many families are spinning a merry dance at this time of year, deciding who is going to whom for Christmas. Whose turn is it? Who hasn’t been pulling their weight? How long are they staying, etc? But I hadn’t expected the further complication of an invitation from my son’s girlfriend’s parents to spend Christmas with them. They don’t live far away and it’s awkward to turn them down. But I’m really not keen.
Elizabeth Birchwood, Chipping Camden
Dear Elizabeth
Not so long ago, the answer would have been, ‘Maybe after they’re married,’ because you wouldn’t have met the ‘other’ parents until the wedding. But now, in the spirit of jollity and never-ending togetherness, these confusing invitations are a regular occurrence, I am informed. There has never been a requirement for in-laws to fraternise. On the whole, it’s better if they don’t. You hear of situations where the marriage breaks down but the parents remain friends. Maybe the terrific teaming up of the older generation was a factor in the collapse of the relationship. The young people found that in marrying they’d acquired even more parents rather than flown the nest as is usual. Give them some independence, I say.
What lies behind this curious invitation? I suspect some cunning ambition. Perhaps this mum and dad are madly snobbish and long to be on your guest list, rather like Susan Carter in The Archers, who so hoped that invitations to Home Farm would pour forth when her son Christopher married Alice Aldridge. Or could it be that your boy’s girlfriend is pushing the relationship a little further than he really wants? Of course it’s perfectly possible that the initiative comes from the young people themselves, who assume that since they’re so keen on each other their parents will be too, and it’ll all be wonderfully romantic and cuddly. But really they need to be protected from themselves.
I think it’ll be perfectly all right to say that unfortunately you’ve already made plans for Christmas. Of course, when turning down any invitation, you should express regret and offer an explanation that isn’t curt and dismissive. There’s an opportunity for banter about the juggling of your trying relations and their various fads (violently anti- duvet, must have hot water bottle, mad keen on sprouts, etc).
There remains the troublesome business of whether you should invite them to make up, as it were. If you can speak to one or other of them, you might be able to gauge what’s really going on. Hurrah if they hint that they’re as not keen as you and you can surmise that they’ve been put up to the whole thing by your respective offspring. If not, then you’ll have to ask them on some less potent date to visit you. And drinks or tea won’t be enough.
Please send your questions to thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
WHAT TO DO ABOUT...Christmas cards
I'm about to enter my usual heart- wrenching plea re Christmas cards begging you to send them, and in quantity, and especially to those you never see. That spark of contact flashes across the empty year and brightens it. Portrait-shaped cards, not landscape that do the splits and knock the others over. size, glossiness and what’s depicted are immaterial, but try to avoid really horrid ones – so flimsy they won’t stand up. But I’m having second thoughts: it’s awful. Last year it took nearly two days to do my cards. The expense, the time.I feel a dreadful temptation coming on: the e-card. I send them quite a lot for birthdays already. The ones that have dogs that sing and dance are much liked. I confess I know of no really tasteful supplier of e-cards, but there’s another thing: I get all my cards these days from the corner shop, even sympathy cards. The more screamingly floral and pink the better. As long as there are no gooey words. Cards should be jolly and popular. So maybe I will succumb to the e-card this Christmas – to some extent.
