The Lady Guide to Modern Manners: 9 August
Dear Thomas,
A close friend of 40 years, recently divorced and now a single parent, has taken to inviting herself to stay. She is not at all well-off . At weekends, we like to go to truly special restaurants as a reward for my husband who works hard all week. We wouldn’t expect her to pay, but just the tiniest gesture towards opening her purse would be appreciated. She doesn’t offer to help with anything, not even unloading the dishwasher.
Now we’re reached a crisis. She’s invited herself again for the autumn but my husband is exercising his veto. How do I tell her she’s not welcome?
Philippa Bellhouse, Devizes
Dear Philippa,
Who says manners don’t matter? I can quite believe that you would fall out with a friend of 40 years who shows so little consideration.
I wonder whether her thoughtlessness is characteristic. You’ve known her so long. Might it be that she is temporarily unhinged by the dramatic change of circumstances that seems also to have hit her financially? You could ask your husband to be more patient and take pity on a suffering soul. Persuade him that she will soon be back to normal.
Even so, there is a question of how much bad behaviour can be excused because a person has met with misfortune. Possibly she is desperate for company or money or both. Might you be able to sit down with her and have a heart to heart? Find out what’s really going on. Perhaps she’s not coping and bottling up. Or she needs sound financial advice. Possibly you can help her to feel more in control and less clingy.
On the other hand, even if you think she’s just through-andthrough selfish, rather than a victim of circumstances, refusing to have her to stay is an extreme step and might lead to a falling out. Why not take control? Don’t let her selfinvite. Suggest other dates more convenient for you. You’ll feel less oppressed.
If she accepts, try to jolt her out of her domestic inertia with bright and breezy remarks: ‘I suppose it’s time we unloaded the dishwasher’; ‘Shall we get the washing in after tea?’ – that kind of thing. There’s a chance she’ll take the hint and start acting on her own initiative.
The money issue is more tricky. I’m always a little sympathetic to wallets glued shut. Some people just don’t have any money. She might be utterly screaming inside. Those newly divorced or widowed are often in a panic about money. Maybe a practical discussion might establish that she has more money than she thinks.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
It’s taken me a long time to work out the etiquette of dressing. I’ve concluded, for the time being, that it’s not the form that’s crucial – whether a suit, shorts, jeans, etc – it’s the condition and interpretation of the item that matters. Too many modern outfits, if you can call them that, are floppy, sacky comfort wear that’s been boilwashed to death. People just don’t bother. Shorts and even a T-shirt could be smart on a man who’s chosen neat, elegant pieces that fit. Shorts don’t have to be nylon – they could be crisp and formal, just like suit trousers but cut down.
The same applies to ladies. It’s not difficult to be politely attired. You’ve just got to bother.
A close friend of 40 years, recently divorced and now a single parent, has taken to inviting herself to stay. She is not at all well-off . At weekends, we like to go to truly special restaurants as a reward for my husband who works hard all week. We wouldn’t expect her to pay, but just the tiniest gesture towards opening her purse would be appreciated. She doesn’t offer to help with anything, not even unloading the dishwasher.
Now we’re reached a crisis. She’s invited herself again for the autumn but my husband is exercising his veto. How do I tell her she’s not welcome?
Philippa Bellhouse, Devizes
Dear Philippa,
Who says manners don’t matter? I can quite believe that you would fall out with a friend of 40 years who shows so little consideration.
I wonder whether her thoughtlessness is characteristic. You’ve known her so long. Might it be that she is temporarily unhinged by the dramatic change of circumstances that seems also to have hit her financially? You could ask your husband to be more patient and take pity on a suffering soul. Persuade him that she will soon be back to normal.
Even so, there is a question of how much bad behaviour can be excused because a person has met with misfortune. Possibly she is desperate for company or money or both. Might you be able to sit down with her and have a heart to heart? Find out what’s really going on. Perhaps she’s not coping and bottling up. Or she needs sound financial advice. Possibly you can help her to feel more in control and less clingy.
On the other hand, even if you think she’s just through-andthrough selfish, rather than a victim of circumstances, refusing to have her to stay is an extreme step and might lead to a falling out. Why not take control? Don’t let her selfinvite. Suggest other dates more convenient for you. You’ll feel less oppressed.
If she accepts, try to jolt her out of her domestic inertia with bright and breezy remarks: ‘I suppose it’s time we unloaded the dishwasher’; ‘Shall we get the washing in after tea?’ – that kind of thing. There’s a chance she’ll take the hint and start acting on her own initiative.
The money issue is more tricky. I’m always a little sympathetic to wallets glued shut. Some people just don’t have any money. She might be utterly screaming inside. Those newly divorced or widowed are often in a panic about money. Maybe a practical discussion might establish that she has more money than she thinks.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
WHAT TO DO… IF YOU’RE WEARING SHORTS
I’m thinking of the recent heat wave. At social functions I encountered quite a few people, mostly men, in shorts. In the West End I saw a man in a swimming costume – with a top, it’s fair to say. All over London were the most incredible hot-weather get-ups, the result of people burrowing in their sports or beach bags.It’s taken me a long time to work out the etiquette of dressing. I’ve concluded, for the time being, that it’s not the form that’s crucial – whether a suit, shorts, jeans, etc – it’s the condition and interpretation of the item that matters. Too many modern outfits, if you can call them that, are floppy, sacky comfort wear that’s been boilwashed to death. People just don’t bother. Shorts and even a T-shirt could be smart on a man who’s chosen neat, elegant pieces that fit. Shorts don’t have to be nylon – they could be crisp and formal, just like suit trousers but cut down.
The same applies to ladies. It’s not difficult to be politely attired. You’ve just got to bother.