Meet the British: The Morris Dancer
He’s called Phil and like most of his friends he’s never been without some errant version of facial hair during his adult life. He has also enjoyed an incisor-spiked smile long before David Bowie and Avril Lavigne made them fashionable.
He is quite manly in that his back is hairier than the norm, but not so creepy that children would jump out of a swimming pool to escape.
He enjoys grubby hobbies like renovating boats and building model steam locomotives, but he’s not macho. He would never start a fight in a pub, for example, even if someone knocked over his pint of real ale or if their eye lingered too long over his girlfriend; he would be more likely to shake their hand and make such a big deal about there being no hard feelings that the offender could end up mildly threatened by his overt friendliness.
He will suffer fools – he frequently laughs too loudly at crass jokes, in a manner reminiscent of a TV archaeologist from Wiltshire – but he gravitates naturally towards those who show respect for century’s-old traditions, such as skipping around pub car parks and shopping centres seemingly without embarrassment, waving handkerchiefs, festooned with bells and ribbons and decked with fresh flowers.
CHARACTERISTICS
Reading material Real Ale Enthusiast, Sandals.
Favourite TV programmes and films Radio 2 and Radio 4, Top Gear, Ice Road Truckers.
Heroes and role models Cecil Sharp, William ‘Merry’ Kimber; he can tell you the names of men who danced on his village green a century ago, if you’re foolish enough to ask.
Most likely cause of death Run over by electric milk float (ironically not wearing any bells).
Favourite music Fairport Convention, Steeleye Span, The Albion Band, Mike Oldfield.
Ego issues Leaps around in public dressed like an idiot to compensate for chronic shyness.
Fears Morris dancing dying out: for some reason they can’t attract youngsters.
Likes Leapfrogging over up-ended brooms, clashing sticks, growing facial hair.
Dislikes All other morris dancing teams, who do it wrong; shaving, women.
Earnings N/a.
Offspring Four children from his first marriage and six grandchildren; none of whom morris dance.
Drives A French car, such as a Peugeot 307.
Most likely to say ‘Three pints of Black Sheep, please.’
Taken from Calvert’s Guide To The British, Volume One: British Stereotypes In Order Of Social Rank, by John Calvert and Michael Powell, with illustrations by Tim Bulmer, published by That Company Called If, priced £20.
He is quite manly in that his back is hairier than the norm, but not so creepy that children would jump out of a swimming pool to escape.
He enjoys grubby hobbies like renovating boats and building model steam locomotives, but he’s not macho. He would never start a fight in a pub, for example, even if someone knocked over his pint of real ale or if their eye lingered too long over his girlfriend; he would be more likely to shake their hand and make such a big deal about there being no hard feelings that the offender could end up mildly threatened by his overt friendliness.
He will suffer fools – he frequently laughs too loudly at crass jokes, in a manner reminiscent of a TV archaeologist from Wiltshire – but he gravitates naturally towards those who show respect for century’s-old traditions, such as skipping around pub car parks and shopping centres seemingly without embarrassment, waving handkerchiefs, festooned with bells and ribbons and decked with fresh flowers.
CHARACTERISTICS
Reading material Real Ale Enthusiast, Sandals.
Favourite TV programmes and films Radio 2 and Radio 4, Top Gear, Ice Road Truckers.
Heroes and role models Cecil Sharp, William ‘Merry’ Kimber; he can tell you the names of men who danced on his village green a century ago, if you’re foolish enough to ask.
Most likely cause of death Run over by electric milk float (ironically not wearing any bells).
Favourite music Fairport Convention, Steeleye Span, The Albion Band, Mike Oldfield.
Ego issues Leaps around in public dressed like an idiot to compensate for chronic shyness.
Fears Morris dancing dying out: for some reason they can’t attract youngsters.
Likes Leapfrogging over up-ended brooms, clashing sticks, growing facial hair.
Dislikes All other morris dancing teams, who do it wrong; shaving, women.
Earnings N/a.
Offspring Four children from his first marriage and six grandchildren; none of whom morris dance.
Drives A French car, such as a Peugeot 307.
Most likely to say ‘Three pints of Black Sheep, please.’
Taken from Calvert’s Guide To The British, Volume One: British Stereotypes In Order Of Social Rank, by John Calvert and Michael Powell, with illustrations by Tim Bulmer, published by That Company Called If, priced £20.