If you were a door-to-door salesperson or a chugger (charity mugger) and the ware you were flogging (flogging being the operative word here) were self-loathing, you could retire and buy some small island Richard Branson hasn't.
Beating yourself up is the British acceptable face of bloodsport. We love to loathe ourselves, a) because it seems like a great motivator: I suck, therefore, how can I not suck? and b) we feel we are getting to ourselves before anyone else does, like a pre-emptive strike! You can't slag me off, I've beaten you to it and what's more, you have to agree with me.
While it is perfectly right and correct to admit when you've done wrong and promptly brainstorm ways to make it OK, or better than OK, it is unproductive and harmful to get stuck in the land of self-reproach. Far better to hold up the white flag and figure out a way to a) not do it again b) learn from the mistake and c) figure out a better plan.
This is not a one-off deal because, by the very definition of humanity, we are fallible, and we will always make mistakes, some big, some small. That bit is easy. The hard bit is moving on and coming back bigger, brighter, and with more resilience than Katie Price's cleavage.
For here are a few pointers to help you from suck to soar
- Get that you are not alone. You are not the only holder of the Platinum Card in the Loser’s Club. We all goof up, gaff and generally do/say/choose the wrong things. Like often.
- Allow yourself the gift of wholeheartedness with a side order of self-forgiveness. Even Reggie Kray (the notorious East End gangster and murderer) said on his deathbed; “I don’t like to look back on the bad stuff I’ve done. It’s negative and vexatious to the spirit”. If he can, of all people, so can you.
- Get things in perspective. Is it really the worst thing ever? Did anyone die (see Reggie Kray above)? Are you really that bad?
- Name the critical voice that snipes away in your head and notice it. “Oh that’s Sick Vic the school bully again. Take a hike” and choose a more nourishing supportive thought.
- Ask yourself – is this true? Is this view of myself helpful? Can I get a second opinion?
- Keep a Big Me Up book of all the good and positive things you are/have done/what people say about you and refer to it as needed.
- Even if you did a bad thing doesn’t mean you ARE a bad thing.
- Say over and over again “I am good enough”. And for the truly brave try “I am MORE thank good enough
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