The Lady Guide to Modern Manners: 6 September
Dear Thomas,
I want to ask about rudeness in public and what to do about it. Strangers routinely blank you if you hold open a door for them. They drop litter, ride their bikes on the pavement and spit. On the roads, it’s dog eat dog. If you ever get the chance to remonstrate, without fail no apology will be offered. Offenders argue, tell you to mind your own business and hurl abuse at you. Has it ever been worse? Is this the experience of many of your readers?
Susan Humphries, Littlehampton
Dear Susan,
I don’t subscribe to the view that ours is a uniquely foul era, riddled with rudeness to a greater depth than ever known in previous times. There may be some truth in this view or there may not. I don’t see how anyone can sensibly claim to know.
All the same, many of us will be familiar with the scenario you describe. I was bicycling down Shaftesbury Avenue just the other day, when what would once have been described as a respectable gentleman (on a mobile, needless to say) walked right in front of me. I had to swerve and slow down. The advantage of a bike is that you can go after people – which I did. He was far from pleasant but did offer a halfhearted apology.
It is difficult to remain polite and calm when you are the victim of other people’s lack of consideration. So you end up having a row. On the other hand, the prevailing idea these days seems to be that anger in all forms is abuse. Justifed anger is not recognised. We’re not allowed to tell each other off.
Some prefer to sail graciously away from confrontation. They believe that having true good manners is not to notice how other people are behaving, which is a more than viable viewpoint.
I am in two minds. My father used to hand people’s litter back to them, concerned that they might be missing an important item. Quite often, even this formula failed to work. Very few people will readily accept that they are in the wrong, no matter how charmingly it is pointed out to them. But does this justify walking by on the other side?
People fear being physically hurt, but I’ve seen adults ignoring small children throwing sweet wrappers around a busy Tube train. People don’t intervene because they’re embarrassed and would rather not be noticed. That’s the usual reason.
I’ve said before: it’s no use complaining about antisocial behaviour if you’re not prepared to do anything about it. But finding the right approach is not easy. What’s more, the lone individual can make little impact. If there is to be action, it will have to be across the board.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
His line was that we rarely meet just to be together, we have to have a distraction such as a coffee or lunch. He pushed it a bit far; if you object to phubbing, he said, you might as well complain about people eating at table. But his fundamental drift was liberating: we can’t expect to be riveted by each other all the time. We thrive on variety. We know that agony of longing for escape when the restaurant bill doesn’t come. I also believe that many people concentrate best when distracted, if you see what I mean.
I stand by what I said recently all the same: taking or making calls when with another is beyond the pale. ‘Checking’ the phone, texting, etc, in moderation should not give off ence, provided it does not become frenzied. Phones are addictive. Watch out!
I want to ask about rudeness in public and what to do about it. Strangers routinely blank you if you hold open a door for them. They drop litter, ride their bikes on the pavement and spit. On the roads, it’s dog eat dog. If you ever get the chance to remonstrate, without fail no apology will be offered. Offenders argue, tell you to mind your own business and hurl abuse at you. Has it ever been worse? Is this the experience of many of your readers?
Susan Humphries, Littlehampton
Dear Susan,
I don’t subscribe to the view that ours is a uniquely foul era, riddled with rudeness to a greater depth than ever known in previous times. There may be some truth in this view or there may not. I don’t see how anyone can sensibly claim to know.
All the same, many of us will be familiar with the scenario you describe. I was bicycling down Shaftesbury Avenue just the other day, when what would once have been described as a respectable gentleman (on a mobile, needless to say) walked right in front of me. I had to swerve and slow down. The advantage of a bike is that you can go after people – which I did. He was far from pleasant but did offer a halfhearted apology.
It is difficult to remain polite and calm when you are the victim of other people’s lack of consideration. So you end up having a row. On the other hand, the prevailing idea these days seems to be that anger in all forms is abuse. Justifed anger is not recognised. We’re not allowed to tell each other off.
Some prefer to sail graciously away from confrontation. They believe that having true good manners is not to notice how other people are behaving, which is a more than viable viewpoint.
I am in two minds. My father used to hand people’s litter back to them, concerned that they might be missing an important item. Quite often, even this formula failed to work. Very few people will readily accept that they are in the wrong, no matter how charmingly it is pointed out to them. But does this justify walking by on the other side?
People fear being physically hurt, but I’ve seen adults ignoring small children throwing sweet wrappers around a busy Tube train. People don’t intervene because they’re embarrassed and would rather not be noticed. That’s the usual reason.
I’ve said before: it’s no use complaining about antisocial behaviour if you’re not prepared to do anything about it. But finding the right approach is not easy. What’s more, the lone individual can make little impact. If there is to be action, it will have to be across the board.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
WHAT TO DO… IF YOU’RE IN BORING COMPANY
I read Matthew Parris’s piece in The Times on ‘phubbing’ (17 August), the new term for snubbing by smartphone or using your phone, for any purpose, in company. Dammit! I should have written that. I was on the cusp of saying it but didn’t like to. How dare he?His line was that we rarely meet just to be together, we have to have a distraction such as a coffee or lunch. He pushed it a bit far; if you object to phubbing, he said, you might as well complain about people eating at table. But his fundamental drift was liberating: we can’t expect to be riveted by each other all the time. We thrive on variety. We know that agony of longing for escape when the restaurant bill doesn’t come. I also believe that many people concentrate best when distracted, if you see what I mean.
I stand by what I said recently all the same: taking or making calls when with another is beyond the pale. ‘Checking’ the phone, texting, etc, in moderation should not give off ence, provided it does not become frenzied. Phones are addictive. Watch out!