The Lady Guide to Modern Manners: 22 November
Dear Thomas,
I always used to invite some friends over at Christmas and they’d arrive at 3pm when they were meant to turn up at 6pm. Now when I invite them they say ‘life is too short’. I don’t know what this means but I don’t like it.
Helen Burton, Eastbourne
Dear Helen,
As Jean-Paul Sartre said, ‘L’enfer est les autres’ or ‘Hell is other people’. Although I’m not sure he was talking about social niceties, because he was an existentialist.
Your friends do sound impossible. Originally, it would appear that life was too long if they arrived three hours early. Now they say it is too short to appear at all. I can only imagine that they have taken up with some kind of alternative cult. Or just gone o their heads.
Nevertheless, as Christmas approaches and invitations abound, we must re ect carefully on the subject. I am often accused of oversensitivity, but it is my belief, as I’ve said before, that many take a deep breath before inviting.
It can be a daunting prospect, a case of deciding who you want at your special event. Maybe the invitation is more than a polite social gesture. When you’ve just met someone, it might be an invitation to friendship.
So a dismissive response is depressing. Invitations are a mine eld. A prompt and decisive reply is best. It’s awful when they say, ‘I’ll come if I can’ or ‘the buses might be di cult’.
Then there is our familiar friend, who just doesn’t want to go, never does. But life is indeed too short, especially at Christmas. I always go everywhere, for the adventure.
Do feel aggrieved if your invitation is turned down without explanation. Kind people are grateful to have been thought of and will always explain why they can’t come.
If you’ve refused but your alternative engagement falls through, is it all right to reapply? On the whole yes, especially if a large party. But always say, ‘Quite understand if it’s too late.’
Come at the appointed time for a big party. Not two hours later. Help the hosts through that nervous ‘Is anyone coming?’ phase.
Some accept but still don’t show. ‘It’s a large gathering. We won’t be missed’, they say or ‘we don’t know them very well. We don’t have to go’. Worst of all, they get a better invitation and don’t even bother to invent a viable excuse. You may laugh, but these reverses can spoil the party for the hosts a lot.
Such a shame when they’d thought to bring a little happiness and end up getting knocked about. I do hope that none of you, dear readers of The Lady, are so a icted this Christmas.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
Some years ago, John Humphrys campaigned against piped music in restaurants. His method was to ask for it to be switched off. Grateful diners, apparently, said it was what they’d been waiting for for years.
I strongly suspect most people favour music wherever they go. It’s the quality of reproduction (piped music is so anaemic) and choice of tracks they object to, and sometimes the volume.
If music is very loud you could ask for it to be turned down or lead a rebellion with other customers. But the risk is you’ll find yourself in the minority.
The best boycott is to frequent establishments that don’t have background music.
I always used to invite some friends over at Christmas and they’d arrive at 3pm when they were meant to turn up at 6pm. Now when I invite them they say ‘life is too short’. I don’t know what this means but I don’t like it.
Helen Burton, Eastbourne
Dear Helen,
As Jean-Paul Sartre said, ‘L’enfer est les autres’ or ‘Hell is other people’. Although I’m not sure he was talking about social niceties, because he was an existentialist.
Your friends do sound impossible. Originally, it would appear that life was too long if they arrived three hours early. Now they say it is too short to appear at all. I can only imagine that they have taken up with some kind of alternative cult. Or just gone o their heads.
Nevertheless, as Christmas approaches and invitations abound, we must re ect carefully on the subject. I am often accused of oversensitivity, but it is my belief, as I’ve said before, that many take a deep breath before inviting.
It can be a daunting prospect, a case of deciding who you want at your special event. Maybe the invitation is more than a polite social gesture. When you’ve just met someone, it might be an invitation to friendship.
So a dismissive response is depressing. Invitations are a mine eld. A prompt and decisive reply is best. It’s awful when they say, ‘I’ll come if I can’ or ‘the buses might be di cult’.
Then there is our familiar friend, who just doesn’t want to go, never does. But life is indeed too short, especially at Christmas. I always go everywhere, for the adventure.
Do feel aggrieved if your invitation is turned down without explanation. Kind people are grateful to have been thought of and will always explain why they can’t come.
If you’ve refused but your alternative engagement falls through, is it all right to reapply? On the whole yes, especially if a large party. But always say, ‘Quite understand if it’s too late.’
Come at the appointed time for a big party. Not two hours later. Help the hosts through that nervous ‘Is anyone coming?’ phase.
Some accept but still don’t show. ‘It’s a large gathering. We won’t be missed’, they say or ‘we don’t know them very well. We don’t have to go’. Worst of all, they get a better invitation and don’t even bother to invent a viable excuse. You may laugh, but these reverses can spoil the party for the hosts a lot.
Such a shame when they’d thought to bring a little happiness and end up getting knocked about. I do hope that none of you, dear readers of The Lady, are so a icted this Christmas.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
WHAT TO DO ABOUT… BACKGROUND MUSIC
I’ve heard from a reader who describes herself as ‘blessed with patience and tolerance’. But she can’t stand background music in shopping centres, restaurants and hair salons. ‘Wouldn’t it be a change to embrace the forthcoming Christmas season without Noddy Holder reminding us at top volume that ‘IT’S CHRISTMAS!’ Silent Night would perhaps be the answer.’Some years ago, John Humphrys campaigned against piped music in restaurants. His method was to ask for it to be switched off. Grateful diners, apparently, said it was what they’d been waiting for for years.
I strongly suspect most people favour music wherever they go. It’s the quality of reproduction (piped music is so anaemic) and choice of tracks they object to, and sometimes the volume.
If music is very loud you could ask for it to be turned down or lead a rebellion with other customers. But the risk is you’ll find yourself in the minority.
The best boycott is to frequent establishments that don’t have background music.