The Lady Guide to Modern Manners: 28 March
Dear Thomas,
My boyfriend has several female friends who kiss him on the lips to say ‘Hello’, even in my presence. Also, he has a 21-year-old stepdaughter, not much younger than I am, who does the same. Perhaps it is my Belgian upbringing, or our age gap, but I find this all very disconcerting. He feels I’m overreacting. Am I?
Joanna Hellings, Macclesfield
Dear Joanna,
I don’t know what you do in Belgium but in this country it’s social-kissing mayhem. Who to kiss? When? Where? How many times? A lot of older people can’t stand it.
Unusually, for a nation that has managed to marshal garden plants into a social hierarchy (lobelias: common. Hostas: not common) it’s nothing to do with class. No British person indulged in social kissing 30 years ago, except with their most intimate friends or relations, whether liked or not. More widespread kissing would have been thought babyish.
But you’re raising a new issue, Joanna – which is that it’s all getting a bit saucy and suggestive. Certain people seem to be taking advantage. I’ve long been resigned to social kissing if confined to the cheeks. It’s impossible to refuse without giving offence even when you’ve only just met the person lunging at you. Some at least wait until the end of the social occasion in question before attempting the first kiss.
Shaking hands is thought stuffy and unfriendly. Men meeting men are exempt, but if one of them is gay, social kissing might well develop in due course. Quite often straight men will try to avoid it, in which case the gay man should adapt but probably won’t. A lot of straight men, though, will get used to anything and even grow quite enthusiastic about kissing other men over time.
Technique is important. Firmly offer your cheek to be lip-smacked in the first instance. Any hesitation and you risk an accidental lipcollision, which is ghastly. Then plunge at your new friend. If they take your left cheek, you aim for their right. If there’s to be doublekissing, alternate correctly. Know what you’re doing even if you don’t.
But we digress from the lips issue. I’ve known people who think it’s perfectly normal to kiss a stranger on the lips by way of greeting. Really it’s too much. You have to have your wits about you to get out of it. A woman kissing a man she knows on the lips in front of his wife might just be pretending it’s a friendly greeting. She’s got to be stopped. Corner her at the door and say he’s got an appalling infection or hidden skin disease or has been mucking out the horses all morning and hasn’t had time to change or even wash his hands.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
I must admit, my first thought was, ‘A cloth at dinner?’ No cloth at dinner, surely? But not everybody has a priceless antique table to display. Not even the Queen, when I thought of it. There’s always a cloth at the State Banquets at Buckingham Palace, although not at Windsor. At BP, the table must be MDF.
So, we can legislate: if your table is good enough, you are cloth-less at dinner. Upon reflection, it does occur to me that there’s something in this cloth anxiety all the same. A luncheon cloth is required even if your table is fit to be seen. The teatime cloth is also compulsory and is often a skimpy, bikinitype aff air, even lacy – but your table, peeking out, must be superb. The dinner cloth covers up a shameful table and should indeed be a grander statement, with a fuller drop. In one way or another you need a lot of tablecloths.
My boyfriend has several female friends who kiss him on the lips to say ‘Hello’, even in my presence. Also, he has a 21-year-old stepdaughter, not much younger than I am, who does the same. Perhaps it is my Belgian upbringing, or our age gap, but I find this all very disconcerting. He feels I’m overreacting. Am I?
Joanna Hellings, Macclesfield
Dear Joanna,
I don’t know what you do in Belgium but in this country it’s social-kissing mayhem. Who to kiss? When? Where? How many times? A lot of older people can’t stand it.
Unusually, for a nation that has managed to marshal garden plants into a social hierarchy (lobelias: common. Hostas: not common) it’s nothing to do with class. No British person indulged in social kissing 30 years ago, except with their most intimate friends or relations, whether liked or not. More widespread kissing would have been thought babyish.
But you’re raising a new issue, Joanna – which is that it’s all getting a bit saucy and suggestive. Certain people seem to be taking advantage. I’ve long been resigned to social kissing if confined to the cheeks. It’s impossible to refuse without giving offence even when you’ve only just met the person lunging at you. Some at least wait until the end of the social occasion in question before attempting the first kiss.
Shaking hands is thought stuffy and unfriendly. Men meeting men are exempt, but if one of them is gay, social kissing might well develop in due course. Quite often straight men will try to avoid it, in which case the gay man should adapt but probably won’t. A lot of straight men, though, will get used to anything and even grow quite enthusiastic about kissing other men over time.
Technique is important. Firmly offer your cheek to be lip-smacked in the first instance. Any hesitation and you risk an accidental lipcollision, which is ghastly. Then plunge at your new friend. If they take your left cheek, you aim for their right. If there’s to be doublekissing, alternate correctly. Know what you’re doing even if you don’t.
But we digress from the lips issue. I’ve known people who think it’s perfectly normal to kiss a stranger on the lips by way of greeting. Really it’s too much. You have to have your wits about you to get out of it. A woman kissing a man she knows on the lips in front of his wife might just be pretending it’s a friendly greeting. She’s got to be stopped. Corner her at the door and say he’s got an appalling infection or hidden skin disease or has been mucking out the horses all morning and hasn’t had time to change or even wash his hands.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
WHAT TO DO ABOUT… TABLECLOTHS
My regular correspondent, Ian Williams, writes from Usk, worried because an 8in drop is acceptable for lunch but not for dinner when it must be a 13in drop. His cloths aren’t right.I must admit, my first thought was, ‘A cloth at dinner?’ No cloth at dinner, surely? But not everybody has a priceless antique table to display. Not even the Queen, when I thought of it. There’s always a cloth at the State Banquets at Buckingham Palace, although not at Windsor. At BP, the table must be MDF.
So, we can legislate: if your table is good enough, you are cloth-less at dinner. Upon reflection, it does occur to me that there’s something in this cloth anxiety all the same. A luncheon cloth is required even if your table is fit to be seen. The teatime cloth is also compulsory and is often a skimpy, bikinitype aff air, even lacy – but your table, peeking out, must be superb. The dinner cloth covers up a shameful table and should indeed be a grander statement, with a fuller drop. In one way or another you need a lot of tablecloths.