The Lady Guide to Modern Manners: 16 May
Dear Thomas,
I might just be envious but I find there’s something off - putting about the hospitality offered by friends who are so much richer than I am. The wealth and splendour take over, driving out any real warmth or human contact. Is there anything to be done?
Gillian Field, Loughborough
Dear Gillian,
It may be some comfort to you that a survey conducted by Gallup in 2011 found that the happiest countries in the world are El Salvador, Panama and Paraguay; nations classified as poor but actually able to provide a good standard of living and decent health care.
It’s wrong to generalise, but of course we will. I’m sure you’re not alone in feeling that there’s something not quite right about the very rich. They’ve got too much money. Christopher Shaw, the massively moneyed one-time stepfather of Cressida Bonas, died in January. He received disobliging obituaries, complaining that as a host he seemed to think that it was enough that he had provided liveried servants, Premier Cru wines and multi-course dinners with a Venetian theme, etc. If a new guest arrived, he did not rise from the bridge table and children were put in a stable block.
Friends and acquaintances of the wealthy may be overawed, fawning, thrilled to be ‘on the list’, but the rich have to watch out that they are not themselves overwhelmed by their money. Soon it can be all that is left of them. They have become nothing more than a series of spending opportunities.
The rich often think that because they are rich, people will like them more. That might be why they became rich in the first place, driven on by a feeling of inadequacy. It’s the same with achievement on the career front, which is why so many people at the top are a bit peculiar.
But, sadly, being rich only makes things worse. The higher you rise, the more isolated and unhinged you become. Of course, it doesn’t have to be like this. Those who recognise that extreme wealth is a responsibility if not a problem, who do not imagine that it will provide friends and a ‘lifestyle’ are able to turn their good fortune to glorious general benefit.
Part of the problem is the craven way we treat our rich friends. We don’t dare to ask them back. They grow even more remote from ordinary life, ever less likely to be able to contemplate a chicken that cost less that £38.50.
So sweep all that aside. Refuse their invitations to dinners for 400. Instead, beckon them to your gaff. Make them muck in. Put them in the room with the shared bathroom. Offer your best supermarket wine. If they can’t stick it, at least you’ll know where you stand.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
In Jersey City in America, Jemmie Adams launched a 30-day project to do something nice for 465 people. This included paying for people’s train journeys to Manhattan. In the UK, the clothing company Oasis has created an online good-deed generator – at www.springasmile.com – which operates like a slot machine.
I heard of a grandmother trying to buy milk for her baby grandson, who was in tow, but she’d left her purse behind. A taxi driver stumped up. Perhaps the best good deeds are like this; those that address an actual need. If some recipients are embarrassed and ungracious, let’s have more good deeds. The more familiar the practice of helping a stranger becomes, the less likely that we will be disconcerted by it.
I might just be envious but I find there’s something off - putting about the hospitality offered by friends who are so much richer than I am. The wealth and splendour take over, driving out any real warmth or human contact. Is there anything to be done?
Gillian Field, Loughborough
Dear Gillian,
It may be some comfort to you that a survey conducted by Gallup in 2011 found that the happiest countries in the world are El Salvador, Panama and Paraguay; nations classified as poor but actually able to provide a good standard of living and decent health care.
It’s wrong to generalise, but of course we will. I’m sure you’re not alone in feeling that there’s something not quite right about the very rich. They’ve got too much money. Christopher Shaw, the massively moneyed one-time stepfather of Cressida Bonas, died in January. He received disobliging obituaries, complaining that as a host he seemed to think that it was enough that he had provided liveried servants, Premier Cru wines and multi-course dinners with a Venetian theme, etc. If a new guest arrived, he did not rise from the bridge table and children were put in a stable block.
Friends and acquaintances of the wealthy may be overawed, fawning, thrilled to be ‘on the list’, but the rich have to watch out that they are not themselves overwhelmed by their money. Soon it can be all that is left of them. They have become nothing more than a series of spending opportunities.
The rich often think that because they are rich, people will like them more. That might be why they became rich in the first place, driven on by a feeling of inadequacy. It’s the same with achievement on the career front, which is why so many people at the top are a bit peculiar.
But, sadly, being rich only makes things worse. The higher you rise, the more isolated and unhinged you become. Of course, it doesn’t have to be like this. Those who recognise that extreme wealth is a responsibility if not a problem, who do not imagine that it will provide friends and a ‘lifestyle’ are able to turn their good fortune to glorious general benefit.
Part of the problem is the craven way we treat our rich friends. We don’t dare to ask them back. They grow even more remote from ordinary life, ever less likely to be able to contemplate a chicken that cost less that £38.50.
So sweep all that aside. Refuse their invitations to dinners for 400. Instead, beckon them to your gaff. Make them muck in. Put them in the room with the shared bathroom. Offer your best supermarket wine. If they can’t stick it, at least you’ll know where you stand.
Please send your questions to Thomas.blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
WHAT TO DO ABOUT… DOING A GOOD DEED
We groan about the lack of good news stories while knowing perfectly well that it’s much more fun to complain and find fault. Who wants to be hosed down with saccharine goo? All the same, I thought I might risk an upbeat note. Recently, random acts of kindness have been on the rise.In Jersey City in America, Jemmie Adams launched a 30-day project to do something nice for 465 people. This included paying for people’s train journeys to Manhattan. In the UK, the clothing company Oasis has created an online good-deed generator – at www.springasmile.com – which operates like a slot machine.
I heard of a grandmother trying to buy milk for her baby grandson, who was in tow, but she’d left her purse behind. A taxi driver stumped up. Perhaps the best good deeds are like this; those that address an actual need. If some recipients are embarrassed and ungracious, let’s have more good deeds. The more familiar the practice of helping a stranger becomes, the less likely that we will be disconcerted by it.