Dear Thomas
Can you clarify a burning question that continues to plague me?
You are a lady sitting with a group of gentlemen awaiting the arrival of another lady at a social gathering, but the lady is not known to you. The said lady arrives and naturally all the gentlemen rise and welcome her by shaking her hand or giving her a hug or a kiss.
My question is this. Is the lady who arrived much earlier obliged to also stand up, or does she stand up belatedly when the men have concluded their greetings? Or does she remain seated and shake hands with the lady, albeit remaining in her chair? This feels somewhat impolite in my book.
This question of the appropriate etiquette for this situation has perplexed me throughout my life and I am so very much hoping that you can finally put an end to these rather wobbly introductions!
Mary Bessenich, via email
Dear Mary
It’s heartening to hear that anybody stands up at all. I got told off by my grandmother in about 1974: ‘Don’t you stand up when a lady comes into the room?’ she enquired pointedly. Earlier, in the late 1950s, Cecil Beaton took his holidays at Broadstairs with ex-Prince Paul and Princess Olga of Yugoslavia. At one point during dinner, Olga stood up while Paul remained seated. ‘But I am standing,’ Her ex-Royal Highness protested, whereupon Prince P leapt to his feet, bowed and said, ‘I do beg your pardon, Madam.’ Cecil Beaton commented that neither of them could get used to no longer being royal.
The traditional idea is that ladies do not stand when being introduced. An etiquette manual from 1926 written by ‘a member of the aristocracy’ says: ‘Ladies do not rise from their seats on being introduced, either at an At Home or before dinner is announced, or after dinner, or when calling…’
In other words never.
But I bet you a ‘lady’ would have jolly well stood up if it was Queen Mary she was being introduced to or some other such superior female. Rank must have come into it. So what is the modern woman to do? We must get rid of any idea of different rules for different genders. When the new lady appears, you, as the only other lady present, should edge forward in your seat, then stand up when it’s your turn to be introduced. An older or infirm lady might possibly say, ‘Forgive me if I don’t stand.’
It is always polite and friendly, for obvious reasons, if anyone of either sex rises when being introduced. But there will be those who will regard the gesture as formal and peculiar. Too bad. All the same, in very informal circumstances, such as when ‘dropping in’ or at a casual supper, if you don’t stand up, it won’t be noticed.
Please send your questions to thomas. blaikie@lady.co.uk or write to him at The Lady, 39-40 Bedford Street, London WC2E 9ER
WHAT TO DO ABOUT...Beer bottles
A reader writes, astonished that, along with champagne and Pimm’s, beer in bottles was served at a recent posh wedding she attended. When her sons come to dinner, she says, ‘I insist that they drink beer from glasses, as I do not like to see bottles and cans at the table. In my local village, there was once a pub where the beer was served in a jug, but this has sadly gone.’ I suspect that the beer-bottles-at-wedding thing was a style statement, along the lines of Jeffrey Archer’s champagne and shepherd’s pie parties. Posh people slumming it. So amusing. seriously, though, beer does have to be offered now. so many have decided they don’t like champagne. Which is lucky in one way for one’s economy. But in the home and at the dinner table, I quite agree. Cans and bottles are out of the question. Ruinous to the table decor and part and parcel of that slovenly track pants–TV dinner– ‘relaxed’ way of life. But a terrible uphill struggle to maintain standards, I’m afraid. a beer glass, rather like a cup and saucer – i wonder how many are left who could recognise such a thing.
